But the question begs: where have I gone to? In order for someone to make a comeback, he must have gone somewhere other than his current place. Actually, I haven’t wandered really far. I have been religiously checking out some other blogs, while waiting for people to read, re-read and comment on mine. I’ve been an active netizen, but not an active blogger, for one of many complicated reasons.
Let’s just say that at some point, I’ve lost my reason for blogging. Before, it provided me a venue for self-expression and therefore my reason was to vent out and rid myself of unwanted thoughts and whatnots. It has also become a placeholder of special events that I hold dear. And so I pursued blogging with this mindset, not minding the few pebbles and stones I’ve stumbled upon along the way.
Good thing someone created Hansel and Gretel (was it the Grimm Brothers?). I learned that the few pebbles and stones who once were roadblocks were my ticket back to home–to where I came from. It helped me evaluate my current situation and go back to things that mattered the most. I stopped blogging because I lost my reason to do so, and this little retrospect trip down memory lane helped me find my reason. I have once again gained foothold of a reason, this time a different one, thanks to some friends who helped me find what I’ve been looking for.
And so why do I blog? It’s not anymore a matter of release of emotions or an avenue to vent out my anger. I’ve learned–the hard way–that everything I say or do can and will affect many people, even in the minutest of ways. I’ve learned to be cautious of my words and watchful of the things I write, thereby killing my utmost freedom to totally release my sentiments through my blog. That was why I stopped. I felt limited by the self-regulation I imposed on myself in order to care for possibly ruined relationships. If I have done this to you in the past, I am heartily sorry.
And then I thought of starting a private blog. Through this, I’d be able to choose who sees what things at what occasions. The idea seemed very appealing at first, but I remembered saying that “comments and reactions from readers of one’s blog fuels the blogger’s passion to write more”. That happens because in communication, you need two communicators. Even a monologue has an audience. And so if you have limited readers who you’re not even sure reacts all the time will also kill you as a blogger in the long run. You might as well have composed an email and forwarded it to whomever you want.
So the only option left was to go back to how I did things before, but with a different reason. Now, I don’t blog just to express my sentiments over things–mundane as they are–that happen in my life. Now I’ve learned, through the help of some friends, that I blog because of them. I blog because I don’t speak to them that often for them to know what’s been happening with my life lately. I blog because I want them to be updated, because I want them to be in the know. I’ve learned that if I keep my friends in the dark, it won’t do them as much good as saying anything I want tactlessly. It’s bound to ruin my friendship with them, and so I’m taking the long road back home and doing things the hard way–again.
And so I blog because of you, my friends. You’re my friends and I love you all very much, all four hundred plus of you in friendster and hundreds more in real life. If I may have mentioned you in this blog, please bear with me. I’m not the confrontational type who would just say “I Hate You” in person. I have my thoughts, but my thoughts change with your actions. I have my thoughts about people, and those remain as thoughts. I’m nothing but a mere reflection of what you are to me, so whatever things I’ve said about you, it’s nothing but a reciprocation of what you’ve said or done to me. Okay, that seems a little bit reactive, but it’s some “risk” I’m willing to take. So I would like to apologize in advance if ever this big mouth of mine gets in your nerves. Let’s just say I’m just paying you back.
I’m back. And it feels nice. I love my friends so much! Thank God He made friends, otherwise we’re all nothing but zombies roaming the earth. Does God have friends too? He sure as heck has many children, but what about friends?