Archive for May, 2006

We Are. ^__^

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Kuya Juvelan and Leo near the peak of Mt. Maculot
(my cellphone was inside a small plastic bag, that’s why it’s blurry)

That’s how windy it was that day

Belated Happy 18th Birthday to two of the most wonderful people in my life:

Pao(mah bff) and Belette(mah Bru)!

May you have many more birthdays to come. ^__^

Picture taken during Belette’s Bday Party
courtesy of Kizia

Kuya Jess gave me the go signal. What a sign. He gave me more than what I asked for. What a God. He works wonders. It’ll just be a little while… please I hope you can still wait. I’m going to pray for this. Really hard. Thanks KJ!

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We all know that there is a proper venue for saying even the nastiest of things. We were taught that there’s a right place and a right time for us to voice out our opinions and make ourselves heard. We were told to pick a place where we’ll unload all our emotions and to choose a proper timing for us to do so.

For the past days, our e-groups in DWTL has been plagued with messages. Apparently, a member of the community is very much distressed because of all the bickering thrown upon his way. He is the object of pranks and jokes most of the time, and he had his bucket full that’s why he reacted in a very negative manner.

Many of our senior members reacted, and a few of the younger ones. The issue has been settled already; well, sort of. He’ll get an earful in person, but definitely not from me.

Meanwhile, I believe, this being my blog, that I’m free to make my reaction in here. I don’t want to add up to the commotion in our e-groups, it’s just so unhealthy. Besides, the case has already ended with his, should I say, still inappropriate explanation.

First things first, if you have an issue, make sure to say it in a proper manner and in a proper forum. Voicing your sentiments by taking advantage of the situation is a pathetic discourse of an ill-mannered human being. If you’ve had enough of the countless times you’ve been joked around by the group, then tell us that we’re stepping the line and that your feelings get hurt. What’s hard for people is that they bottle up their sentiments that’s why they don’t get the reactions and actions they expect.

I’m not going to get my hands clean, I admit I’m one of those people who kid you about your behavior. But have you thought for even a second that maybe these people are making it hard for you because that’s the impression you send out to them? I’m not going hold my bars just yet, I know from the first time I saw you you were bound to do things just like these.

Second, you haven’t explicitly expressed your desire to partake in that role. You don’t go around assuming that we automatically know you want that part. You tell people if you want something, not just go running around dropping clues because you’re definitely not going to be taken seriously.

Third, we’re not just lab rats or guinea pigs ready to be experimented upon for your scientific breakthrough. Even if you’re running some sort of test or case study you should’ve provided consent and asked for approval even from just one of us. Didn’t you study research ethics?! That way at least even one of us is more or less aware of your undertaking and would go for your defense. You don’t go running around making a mess out of random people’s lives! I believe you just made that up, as your escape route. This is a community, for crying out loud!

Yes, I agree with some of your sentiments. Sometimes people may gang up on you (or even most of the time) but that’s because you do stupid things. And we stop when we see you frown, right?! This is not the first time you made a mess of our group with your pathetic and inappropriate behavior. This has got to end, brother.

Lastly, I would like to apologize to you for this post and for all the gags I pulled on you. I won’t ever do it again, trust me, I’ve had enough of your pathetic and downright malicious behavior.

There, I hope people won’t make a big deal out of this, I believe I’m entitled to my own opinion. And I expressed it in a proper forum. Thank you.

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This is what happens to the constant logger: he gets bored. My life is filled with drastic inactivity right now. Oooohhh, kinda ironic. Drastic yet inactive. Anywho, the depression fairies have gone away for reasons beyond my comprehension. Could it be? Is it possible? Nah. We’ll have to wait and see.

So what’s up with me lately? Nothing much. Just gearing up for the upcoming DWTL Retreat on May 26-28. It’s supposed to be a busy week for me but I don’t know what the hell happened. I feel so unproductive because of the inactivity. Much much laziness. Catching up on sleep because for sure I’d be deprived of it again.

Ooh! Almost got all subjects via CRS, except PE. Nice to know I won’t be queueing for a subject this semester, save for PE. I do hope I get a slot in cheerleading, I really really want that since it’ll be out of my everyday schedule. My everyday crappy schedule.

Grey’s Anatomy kicks major ultraelectromagnetic arse! Studio23’s gonna be airing it soon and it’s good news for me since I missed quite a few episodes, good thing I’m not yet out of the loop.

Hmmm what else? I’m just killing time because I’ve got nothing else to do at home. Too bad I’ve got nothing to do here, too. Where have all the people gone? I’ve lost my streak on updating everyday. I guess my mind’s too filled up with everything and crap these days. Oh well, let’s empty it into the Pensieve…

Ohhh!!! Before I forget!!! Da Vinci goes to the cinemas today! BUT! It’s R18, and I’m not one yet. Someone’s going to do some sin! Har har… it’ll be unfair if I don’t get to watch it on the silver screen. I loved the book for its book-ness and not for its controversy. Sometimes people have to understand that there are people who can appreciate a good book such as The Da Vinci Code. I wonder why Angels and Demons is a lot less controversial when it has a lot more twisted plotlines and whatnots?

There, I’m gonna watch it with my above 18 friends hoping the takelyera won’t notice. I won’t shave my mustache for cover. *sinister laughter*

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This is how the Arroyo Government and the Administration Lawmakers control my schedule.

The University of the Philippines is a State University.
Therefore, it is funded by the taxes paid for by the citizens of this country.
The taxes go to BIR then to DBM.
The Congress then deliberates the allocation for the yearly budget (cut) of UP.
UP thrives on such measly budget.
Because of such a small budget, there are limited slots for students.
Also because of such a small budget, there are limited resources and money to pay for professors.
Therefore, there are also limited professors/teachers to instruct.
Because of this, there are limited classes for students.
Because there are limited classes, there are limited slots for students.
And because there are limited slots for students, you can’t always get into a class you want.
Therefore, this is how they control my (crappy) schedule.

This, by far, is the crappiest schedule I have ever had.
Looks like I’m in for a veeeerrrryyyy fine semester, aren’t I?

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“Behind the sun’s rays looms a dark cloud overhead…”

I don’t know how to begin with this. Apparently, I’m experiencing manic depression lately. Ups and downs and rollercoaster as an analogy is a bit of an understatement. I keep on texting people to pray for me because I have a problem but I remain vague to them. I can’t tell them what my problem is because I myself can’t explain moreso understand what’s happening to me.

What’s certain, though, is that I’m depressed. Whenever I’m alone, my heart feels heavy and I feel like crying. Which is so not me.

But the loneliness doesn’t show. It’s a complicated thing, but I guess the depression attacks vigorously when I’m alone. For old time’s sake, I always get my enthusiasm from other people. I’m like Rogue of X-Men, my power is using other people’s power.

“And now I stand on a fork road…”

There are so many things that make me depressed. They’re so many I can’t even begin to think of them. What I know is, I get depressed everytime I try to think of it. The goodbyes to be said, the decisions to be done, the conflicts to be resolved. All brings forth a drastic change.

I always ask God to make me understand what I’m going through. I, myself, can’t comprehend what I’m feeling. Everything’s so vague. And until I get a clear understanding of what this is, I can’t begin to remedy or prevent things from happening.

The feeling is very consuming. It’s gloomy, like the heavens for the past couple of days. Whatever’s happening, I hope something good comes out of it. As it always does.

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Before anything else, HAPPY MOTHER’s DAY TO ALL OUT MOMS!!!

Yesterday was a wreck. I never thought we’d actually push through with our Mountain Climbing trip to Mt. Maculot with a storm signal no.2 and all that. I was actually one of the people who are telling the guys to just back out and go home. But noooo. We were daredevils. And devils we were becoming, alright.

If the storm wasn’t even a sign to back out just yet, we received tons more. Kuya Jess was telling us to go home already, but we dared to take on His storm.

While traversing Calamba near a Petron station, the wind blew real hard that it sent a huge shard of the Petron Signboard flying our van’s way. Kuya Luis, the driver, even saw it coming and remarked, “Uy, lumilipad o!” Next thing he knew it was flying towards them, good thing it hit the roof and not the windshield, but it created so much impact and sound it damaged the van.

Then, when we reached the foot of the mountain, we took a right on a familiar fork path, but this time it was filled with uprooted trees and fallen leaves. We spent almost an hour looking for a path towards the top of the mountain, only to find out that we took a wrong turn in the beginning.

That wrong turn cost us time, so only four of us (Juvelan, Ate Kate, Leo and me) almost reached the peak of the mountain. We had to stop and sit down at the “Bituka ng Manok” where tall grass abound because the wind was blowing really hard. It was my first time to experience something like that. When you look down, all you could see were clouds and nothing else. The rain, eventhough not that hard, would strike your face like a million acupuncture needles because of the strong winds. And when I tried to stand up, I was almost blown away by the wind because I spread my hands wide open! Imagine that. That’s how strong the wind was up there yesterday. I even joked, “Ganito pala ang feeling ng nasa gitna ng bagyo”. Our consolation because we didn’t make it to the top, was that the clouds opened for a few seconds and let us take a view of the majestic scenery down below. It was breathtaking. I would never exchange it for anything else.

It was a very different mountain climbing trip for me, and not only because it was raining really hard, but that practically made for most of its uniqueness.

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My jaw gaped as I simultaneously made a hissing sound. Hssssss… aggghhh! I quickly shut my eyes in utter disbelief. Gaaaddd! Shit!” Then, I opened my eyes slowly and let out an awful cry. My Goooodddd!!! Uuugggghhhh! My heart was racing. Trickles of sweat drip down my forehead. Oh my Lord… the worse is yet to come! Aaaaagggghhhh! With one final scream I stopped. My heart was beating very fast. I pant in a desperate attempt to catch up with my breath. Goodness that was awful.

Scenes from last night. That’s exactly how I watched Grey’s Anatomy.

What’s really ironic about me watching a show such as Grey’s Anatomy is that I have an utterly horrible, despicable perception of medical thingamajig aka blood, gore and guts. I hate medicine and anything that has something to do with it. I don’t faint at the sight of blood, but I absolutely abhor getting even a slight view of it.

But what’s really nice about Grey’s Anatomy is that it doesn’t focus mainly on the drama behind the operating room. It also revolves on the personal lives of the interns, how it affects their work and their relationship with their co-professionals. It also gives the viewers another angle on how the patients’ lives affects the interns’ lives in General. It’s like Sex and the City meets E.R. Every episode revolves on a certain nugget of life that would always make me go “Ooohhh… she’s right.”

I’m definitely going to watch this show ’til its end. It has very exciting and interesting plotlines that will get you hooked in an instant.

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you say i only hear what i want to.
you say i talk so all the time so.

and i thought what i felt was simple,
and i thought that i don’t belong,
and now that i am leaving,
now i know that i did something wrong ’cause i missed you.
yeah, i missed you.

and you say i only hear what i want to:
i don’t listen hard,
i don’t pay attention to the distance that you’re running
or to anyone, anywhere,
i don’t understand if you really care,
i’m only hearing negative: no, no, no.

so i turned the radio on, i turned the radio up,
and this woman was singing my song:
the lover’s in love, and the other’s run away,
the lover is crying ’cause the other won’t stay.

some of us hover when we weep for the other who was
dying since the day they were born.
well, this is not that:
i think that i’m throwing, but i’m thrown.

and i thought I’d live forever, but now i’m not so sure.

you try to tell me that i’m clever,
but that won’t take me anyhow, or anywhere with you.

you said that i was naive,
and i thought that i was strong.
i thought, “hey, i can leave, i can leave.”
but now i know that i was wrong, ’cause i missed you.

you said, “i caught you ’cause i want you and one day i’ll let you go.”
“you try to give away a keeper, or keep me ’cause you know you’re just scared to lose.
and you say, “stay.”

you say i only hear what i want to.

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Do you know that my only recollection of the one who sang “Somewhere Out There” is that of Fievel and Tanya of An American Tail instead of Linda Ronstadt and James Ingram? What’s real funny is that everytime I hear this song play on the radio I would quickly begin to question why their voices aren’t squeaky like those little mice of An American Tail, which I so used to love when I was a kid.

That’s it. I’m really growing up. As Ate Odie would put it, nagbibinata. Physically, emotionally, spiritually and every other -lly you could think of. It’s really funny and downright awkward how I’ve come to this realization only now, but I guess I took things one step at a time and it’s only now that the truth is slapped right to my face.

And you know what they say about Truth, it hurts. It goddamn hurts. I always wished I’d stay a “child” and would never grow up, but I guess that’s something out of my control. Even if I’m able to move my 18th birthday to 2056, my physical appearance, behavior and attitude would give my age right away.

When we facilitated a retreat not so many weeks ago, I would cringe the moment the participants would call me Kuya JM. I always tell them not to call me Kuya, since I’d feel old and I’m not that old anyway. One way to notice if you’re really getting old is if somebody, even a total stranger, would call you Kuya.

I don’t want to leave “childhood” and being young just yet. I don’t want to enter the very complicated world of adults where everything is standardized, planned and whatnot. But I guess I could never stop it from happening, unless I want to be “isip bata” forever.

In any case, I’m ready to take things one step at a time. ü

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Grabe the week that was. I now have no recollection of my own house, whatsoever. Just kidding, but that would have been the most probable scenario. I went out everyday last week with friends, mostly dayzers. It’s either just out to the mall, in someone else’s house or outing out of town. It was definitely a busy busy week, but not in terms of work. Ate Tin and I even had a running joke that we’re in the second week running for seeing each other every single day, with us only parting to go home, take a bath, then meet up again. Hehe…

Cry baby. I’ve been a cry baby lately, even I myself was surprised when tears would just well up in my eyes and they’d actually fall. Yesterday when we were in the adoration chapel, right after we sat down I cried real hard. It was very unusual for me (and for everybody else, for that matter) because I don’t usually cry, unless it’s a really striking emotion I’m feeling. So just by that, you can tell. No, I don’t have a problem, I’m just hurting for somebody…

Impacho waited. I’ve gone from crush to love to infatuation in just a week. What a tiring feeling, it wasn’t really good. At least I’ve clarified my intentions.

Parting of Ways. I still hurt because of the DWTL Community having to part ways. Sigh, but what can I do? Change is inevitable. If you received a text from me telling you that I needed to move on, it’s because of this.

I’m all out of… WORDS. This is so not me.

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It’s over. Finally, all our efforts have finally paid off; we have officially established the first ever Public School Days with the Lord Community in the Philippines: The Makati Science Days Batch 1. Loren, Danielle, Christine, Mechelle, Jay-ar, Jerome, Therese, Cielo, Angelo and Precious will be the ones to spearhead the next several batches to hopefully expand their own community. It was definitely tiring and all our energies were drained during the three days, but all paid off because of Kuya Jess’ love for all of us!

In accordance with the establishment of this new community, there have been quite a few changes. These changes are few but they are definitely drastic. In compliance with our ambitious goal to reach a hundred batches by 5 or 6 years, the Don Bosco DWTL community has expanded into four chapters, namely DBManda, DBMakati, Maksci and the up and coming Yuppie Days. Because it has been divided into chapters, all its facilitators will also be distributed into these chapters. In comes the age brackets, where 15-20 year-olds will be designated to DBManda and DBMakati while Maksci will form its own facilitators (with our help primarily) and the 21 and above will be designated to the Yuppie Days. Unfortunately, most of our staffers now will go to Yuppie Days, leaving only several for the DBDays, including me. Just thinking about “moving on” brings tears to my eyes. Most of my friends that I found through DBDays will now move on to our Yuppie Days. I was even joking about it by saying that I’d be the only one who will stay in our batch (Batch10) because most of my batchmates will go to YuppieDays and Ron will leave soon. It’s so depressing I’m losing my english.

I have issues with “moving on”. We all know it’s hard. But it’s bound to happen, whether we like it or not. Acceptance will come, but not soon enough. We just have to rely on the thought that for whatever Kuya Jess changes in our lives, there’s a perfectly good reason for doing so.

It’s not yet over. Maksci Days may be over but we still have Batch15 of Days Manda to prepare for, which will happen at May26-28. We only have one month to prepare and it’s going to be crunch time, considering it takes us around 2 months to prepare for just one retreat. I do hope I do well with this batch, and I know I’m going to persevere because I have to get myself used to relying on what I can do, since most of my friends (especially my batchmates) will be gone soon.

Oh well, there’s still Kuya Jess whom I can turn to. I know he won’t fail me. I’m so in love with Kuya Jess!

Berdi. Belated Happy Birthday to Ate Anna, Ate Mimi and my Kakosang Jason!

There. I can’t think of anything more to add. I’m still overwhelmed. In our terms, may hangover pa. I definitely love serving Kuya Jess through Days. Every retreat is a journey for self-discovery, not only of service to the participating batch. I hope this love and this willingness to serve will never die down. I love you KJ!!!

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