Archive for January, 2006

(Please don’t mind these pictures, I just missed putting them on my blog. Hehe…)
You don’t deserve someone like me… you deserve someone better.

Yesterday was a revelation. I found out that one of my elementary classmates did have a crush on me. Okay, so we’re in a little bit of a time difference here, but the thing is, even though it was only now that I learned about it, it still concerns me because: (1) she’s here in UP, (2) she was one of my classmates last sem and (3) a friend of mine told me she’s still attracted to me. No wonder I always get the special treatment! No wonder she always wants to come along and have lunch with me! No wonder I receive all those unsolicited favors from her! Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate her or resent her or loathe her or something. I’m just… dazed and confused.
For the record, I never knew how to react whenever somebody confesses affection for me. I don’t know if I should “crush” her back or just ignore her. The former would seem to be a little bit insincere on my part, and the latter would make me look ruthless, cruel and harsh. Great, not another dillema to think about. Now I wish I hadn’t known.
And I can’t even begin to think how she’d react if she finds out my darkest, deepest secret of all. She’ll be devastated, that’s for sure, and the last thing I want to do is to hurt somebody. Great, my being too nosy got the best of me, yet again.
Now I begin to wonder what’s with me these days. I don’t think I deserve such affection. One dirty, ruthless creature like me is being liked by somebody? I can’t say I’m not self-gratified (yet again). Urrrgghhh… that’s yet another reason why I’m in so much trouble now. I don’t know what to do! I’d be damned if I do anything, and I’d be damned if I don’t do anything. Agghh, why all this trouble?
I never should have asked in the first place. Everything was fine when I didn’t know.

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I hate it when reality slaps me right in the face and I keep on ignoring it.

It was only recently that it hit me: I am alone. In a place of cultural diversity like this university, I never realized I’d feel this alone. The only refuge I go to wherein I find myself again is this comfy computer shop near the Shopping Center. In here, I can connect with all my friends, most of them outside of College.

It was only recently that I realized how alone I am. I walk alone, I eat alone, I surf the net alone. I know I have classmates but they have other friends and classmates too. Now this is the catch for “academic freedom” employed in this university. Now it hits me. I shouldn’t let my schooling interfere with my education.

But I really find it hard to find a companion. Not all my blockmates’ schedules jive with mine. So do my classmates’. It was still bearable during the first sem since I had Mico (a High School classmate) with me most of the time. But now, I guess I’m out of my comfort zone. And I’m not liking it (who does?).

This situation has led me to regret my choice in entering this university. I thought I’ll have more fun meeting new people. I guess I’m better off with my old friends (if ever I still have them). Sometimes I just envy my High School friends because they’re fine on their own college with their block systems, airconditioned classrooms and all that. Sometimes I wonder why I didn’t pursue my scholarship in La Salle, or my application in Mapua. Sometimes I wonder why I’m even here. I was blinded by the disillusionment of this place.

Sigh… I can only stop and think: what goes around, comes around.

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I had a very heated argument with someone the other day. Of all the people, I never imagined I’d be arguing with this one. We never had these kinds of arguments before, but the other day, we both just exploded.

I can’t deny the fact that I was hurt by what this friend of mine said. I also can’t deny the fact that I was a bit pushy then. I was already intruding my friend’s life with my domineering attitude. I know it was a bit off, but I only wanted to help. Now I can again attest to what Fr. Mon said in one of his homilies: kung sino pa yung nagmamagandang-loob, siya pa yung lumalabas na masama. It hurts but I guess that’s life.

I have already forgiven this friend of mine. But the havoc the argument wrecked on my heart is still quite there. I have forgiven but forgiveness doesn’t always come with forgetting. The pain is still there. In fact, my heart was so broken I don’t think it even functions right now. I have lost the will to use my heart, to care, to be compassionate, to help. I just hope I get my heart back again in one piece.

Sad. Don’t worry friend, as I’ve said I’ve already forgiven you. And I hope you’ve already forgiven me, too. It’s just that the pain doesn’t fade away that fast. I hope you give me time. The pain still lingers on and on…

This morning, I woke up terribly early. I only had around four hours of sleep, and I found it hard to go back to it. So, I just wrote something in my planner:

Jan. 11 2006

I learned so many things in just one night.

One, that no matter how much you want to help someone, as long as it’s not asked of you, it could only mean one of two things: first, that you volunteer for that act; second, that you are putting your nose into somebody else’s business.

Two, that no matter how close (or open) you are to a certain person, there are just some parts of his/her life that you can’t touch (or know, for that matter).

And three, that the biggest of arguments do happen between the closest of friends.

My heart is so fragile right now. Don’t upset me, I’m taking things a little bit too seriously this time.”

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There’s such a thing as word vomit, as Mean Girls popularized it. It’s the same as puke-vomit, but instead of barf you unintentionally anti-digest words. It’s kind of more like a pathetic excuse for being frank. Ooops, word vomit.

Right now, I’m going to have a word vomit. There really are certain days and certain times wherein you have to dish out words, more like dispensing your thoughts in the Pensieve to keep your mind off things, as Dumbledore puts it.

It’s been swell these past few days. I’m enjoying the new “me” although there really isn’t much apparent change. The great thing is I think I’m becoming a more diligent student (oh yeah, then what am I still doing here?! :p). Just a while ago I had my SocSci3 class which ended quite late so I had to run my way to my next class which is at the far end (and when I say FAR, it’s FAAAR) of the campus. It was uberly sunny and I was dripping sweat when I arrived at the building only to find out that there was no class. The good thing about it was I wasn’t pissed off at the idea. Normally I would react to it by saying, “Sana hindi na lang ako pumasok!”. But no, I’m diligent now. Or so I think.

My SocSci3 crush is growing cuter by the minute. Love the hair, the smile. Marvelous! If only I have a name! Haha… I think now’s the time to start asking.

There. End of word vomit.

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