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Archive for January, 2006

I hate it when it rains. It’s either you’re compelled to feel utterly blue or just plain sentimental. Nostalgic, may I add. I love reading my archives. That’s why I almost broke down to tears (the mere impossibility of me crying makes it a bit credible) when my former host’s (Iconrate) server crashed down and with it my 2003 archives. It’s as If I didn’t exist in 2003, in the net for that matter.

The ugly head of March is slowly rearing its head, and with it comes the commencement of my freshman year here in UP. I haven’t experienced much but I can say I went through a lot of things (struggles) in this University. In the coming days the UPCAT results will be released, and I just can’t forget to remember how it first felt when someone told me I passed (it was Mico and I was in Belette’s house then; at first I didn’t believe him. =p). The fact that I’m getting older (bleh!) and that new “kiddies” will come ushering in next semester saddens me a bit, but I guess that’s just how things are supposed to be. Still, I can’t wait to see the faces of the freshermen when they come to their first day of classes, seemingly lost, looking at all the trees, pointing at all the buildings and asking people where Room TBA is. Haha! Now I’ll know how it feels to be an upperclassman. Hehe… time to bully all freshies! (Just Kidding. ^__^ not all upperclassmen do that)

There are many perks of being an upperclassman but I guess there are many irks too. More responsibilities, more paperworks, more readings, less time, less social life, less net time, and all the other hoopla.

Oh and by the way, I’m considering shifting to another course. It’s a matter I haven’t been able to discuss in the dinner table (or with my parents, for that matter). I don’t know how they’d react when I tell them I’m having thoughts of shifting; I can’t wait to see their I-told-you-so expression thinking that I’m the rebellious teenager last year who bullied them into taking Journalism as his major and now he’s considering shifting?! Oh my heck… I don’t know how to break it to them.

I’m most probably shifting to AB Psych, but I’m not yet entirely sure. I just don’t think I’m fit for Journalism. Sure, many people say I write (legibly) articulately but I guess my style of writing isn’t for the papers. Plus, I take into consideration what a friend told me about studying liberal arts, that when we study our craft we lose its essence within us. I think he’s right; writing isn’t something you can put inside a box with all the technicalities if you’re born with it (modesty aside). I think those who should take courses on Liberal Arts are those who want to know further about the craft, otherwise they’d just be hearing echoes of what they already know.

So there. I don’t know if Psych is the right course, but I’m getting an inkling to it; I don’t know, I’m just really interested in knowing how people think and how their thinking affects other people’s thinking as well. Sigh… I thought this’ll be easy; it’s way harder than I thought. I hope you’d all help me out on this… I want to here your comments on these life-changing matter I’m currently in. Thanks!

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DBTC’s fair and St. John Bosco’s feast day is next week already. I can’t say I don’t have mixed feelings about it. The thought of going back to my High School makes me cringe — and all’s not because I don’t like High School that much, it’s just that… there are far worse things that makes me don’t wanna go back there.

But I had to. It’s been 4 months since I last set foot on that ramp in the Millenium Gate. It’s been 4 effin months since I last saw Ma’am Ria, who I miss terribly. It’s been 4 freakin’ months since I last saw Don Bosco’s golden statue near the lobby. It’s been 4 goddamn months, and still I’m a little bit afraid to cut the 4 months short.

But, a risk is a risk, and going to the place that has once been my comfort zone scares me to eternity. I’ve changed, for the last 10 months. I don’t know what Bosconian values I still have with me, and that makes me hesitant because I don’t think I’m worthy of setting foot on such hollowed ground once again. Memories will come flashing back, I know. So many regrets. Too much regrets. And the people I will see will most certainly make an impact to me today. Sigh… it’s a risk I gotta take, and I gotta take it now before it’s too late.

Haha… this entry’s so vague. I guess I’m just a little bit too emotional about this whole thing when I really shouldn’t be. I guess those close to me know why I’m reacting this way. Just the thought of it makes my body freeze, and my heart throb harder. Sigh…

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Adik na’ko sa Skyflakes. Halos wala na’kong ibang kainin kundi Skyflakes. Skyflakes sa umaga, Skyflakes sa hapon, Skyflakes sa gabi. Nagbabaon na’ko sa school ng Skyflakes kasi mahal ang Skyflakes dun (taena, anim na piso?! tatlong piso nga lang dito sa’min eh!).

Anyways, ayon sa Nutritional Facts sa likod ng pakete ng Skyflakes, mayroon itong 250 calories per serving. Hmmm… nakakataba kaya ito? Pero pano kaya kung ito na lang kainin ko ‘pag nasa UP (since hindi din naman ako kumakain ng lunch dun)? Papayat kaya ako? Abangan na lang natin ang dramatic results! *cue dramatic tension music*

Masarap ang Skyflakes at hindi ito nakakasawa. Hayaan nyo na lang ako, eto na lang ang kinaaadikan ko ngayon (kesa naman mag-drugs ako diba?!). Hehe…

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***DISCLAIMER: The comic strip that you’re about to see (which was done by Belette) is nothing but a product of sheer boredom and tons of imagination (put in a little bit of hardwork as well. =p). All reactions, questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, allegations, accusations and contemplations should be directed here.

Click Thumbnail to view larger picture

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I’ve been doing *pretty* fine with my Acads these past few weeks. As of today, I have no recorded cuts or absences (except for one close call when I almost didn’t attend a SocSci3 class because nobody else was in the classroom; good thing I saw my Prof coming up the stairs on my way out . Whew!). I have only one midterm exam left next week on Geog1 (which I still have to study for) and a few more requirements for Comm3, SocSci3 and Journ. DBTC’s fair is not in two weeks, and UP’s is not in three. More reports are fast approaching, as well as two deadlines for two research papers by the beginning of March. A two-week sabbatical for Journ is at hand to devote time for the research paper, and a Geog Camp before the UP fair. 6 speeches are still unaccounted for in Comm3, and 1 will be rearing its head (quite surprisingly) real soon. I can’t wait for this sem to be over (so that the next could start).

I’m planning on taking at least 3 GE courses this summer and 1 NSTP. If I’m lucky enough to get all courses, I’d be adding one PE too. I need to utilize my summer because by May, I’m planning to apply for a call center job (hopefully). If everything goes well, I’d be taking only 15 units (again) next sem so that I could accomodate the job, if ever it’s a night shift. Haha… I’m afraid to go beyond 15 units. =p

Geeks unite!

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Whatever EMO means… it’s not me. =p

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This week is hell. Or so I say.

Have you ever felt like all segments of your heart were working all at the same time? I mean, working on a premise that your heart is like your brain where there are different regions for happiness, loneliness, angst, anger and all the other hoopla, have you ever felt like they were all turned on at the same time? In simpler terms, have you ever felt every emotion possible one after the other? Oh my gosh… I am going crazy, and it’s not just up there!

There’s so much pain going on in here. So much paranoia. So much worries. So much… so much. Too much. Too… much? Can I handle it? Of course I can! *ehermsarcasmeherm* Sometimes you need to kid yourself in order to get or feel what you want.

Sigh… I don’t know what to do anymore… I’m crying out for help! Oh… oh, oh, Lord. (Hmmm… parang narinig ko na yata yun ah? Hehehehe…)

Ewan. All these emotions are just stressing me out. I need… ummm… uh…. what do I need? I don’t know what I want anymore, more so my needs. Sigh… I’m going insane! (If I haven’t already).

This is such a waste of blog space and time. Thanks for spending useless time with me. =p

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Everyday really is an opportunity to learn something new. And yesterday, I learned something about Love.

I learned a very essential factor about Love. I learned that when you love someone, he/she doesn’t need to know you love him/her. I learned that answers need questions before they’re said. I learned that if you want your love to be reciprocated, it’s not love at all; but you’re just looking for a relationship. I learned about how loving someone is different from being in love to someone. And most of all, I learned that you should continue loving even if it hurts.

I admire those people who still continue to love even if they’re continually being hurt (intentionally or unintentionally). I admire those people who still continue to love even if the ones they love don’t even know they’re being loved. I admire those people who are capable of loving even if they don’t get something back in return.

Pag-ibig nga naman. It can make you do a lot of things. It can also teach you so many things. Sa aking pananaw, ang pag-ibig ay ‘di maikakahaon sa isang relationship; ito’y di maipapakita sa simpleng flowers at chocolates; ito’y ‘di maipapaalam sa mga salitang binibitawan; ito’y ‘di basta-basta matatapos sa rejection ng minamahal mo; at ito’y hindi basta-basta mawawala gaano man kasakit ang idinudulot nito sa’yo. Dahil gaya ng isang marangal na mamamayan, hindi mo naman kailangang tumakbo sa isang posisyon para makatulong sa maraming tao; sa pag-ibig, hindi naman kailangang maging “kayo” para maipakita niyo ang pagmamahal sa isa’t-isa. Tama na ang mga simpleng gestures para maipakita mo sa kanya na mahal mo sya. At kung umiiyak ka man gabi-gabi, it’s all worth it kasi at least naipapakita mo kung gaano mo siya kamahal.

Sabi ng isang kaibigan, “siguro tamang sabihin kapag tinanong. Pero kung hindi, tamang ipakita.” May point siya. Hindi naman kailangang malaman ng taong ‘yun kung mahal mo nga siya, kasi kung ipinagduldulan mo ‘yon sa mukha niya, isa lang ang ibig sabihin non: gusto mong masuklian ang pagmamahal na ibinibigay mo sa kanya. Kaya mabuti na lang na manahimik kayong dalawa (o ikaw, for that matter) at damahin at ipadama na lamang ang pag-ibig na mayroon kayo para sa isa’t-isa.

Lastly, I would like to make this point: Love need not be said for someone to appreciate it. Kung mahal mo talaga ang isang tao, patunayan mo, ipakita mo ‘yon sa kanya. Love can survive even if it’s one way; you can show and show your love without taking love in return. A relationship, on the other hand, requires two-way. And lastly, remember that love is not a noun, it’s a verb. It’s not something you give to someone, but it’s something you have to show to someone. Ginagawa. ü

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by Bamboo

I’ll move on here lying in my cozy bed
What’s next on my list too much to think about
Maybe I’m better off dead
Realize when everything’s done and said I’d given up

Goodbye friend we never really had a chance to talk
Take a breath just a minute or two
Let me try to find a reason for what you’re about to do
What are you about to do

You got our attention let’s all just settle down
So you did the unimaginable oh I hope you’re proud
Cuz it’s never gonna be the same
Cuz it’s never gonna be the same

Brother is this it was this some race to the end
Save me from myself remind me what I have to do
Cuz from time to time I seem to forget
O yes the sun will rise again
Talk to you later… friend

Goodbye friend…

Minsan, sa kanta daw maipapakita ng isang tao kung ano ang kanyang tunay na nararamdaman. Sa palagay ko, sinabi na ng kantang ‘to lahat-lahat. Salamat, Belette, for sharing… at sana never nang maging kanta mo sa’kin ulit ‘to. *hug*

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Kahapon ng tanghali, pinuntahan ko si Belette sa USTe para sunduin siya, pano kasi may sakit siya pero kailangan niyang pumasok para sa isang exam, eh kamusta naman kung uuwi siya mag-isa diba?! Baka kung ano pa mangyari do’n, kaya nag-prisinta na’kong sunduin siya at ihatid sa bahay kasi hanggang 1130 lang naman ang klase ko kahapon. Ang sabi ba naman ng Belette sa text, ang sweet ko daw. Gusto ko sanang mag-reply: “Taena Belette, ikaw na nga lang ang meron ako papabayaan pa ba kita?” Pero taena, masyado nang sweet ang pagsundo sa USTe, ayoko na dagdagan pa, baka kung sa’n pa mauwi yan (haha fat chance… =p).

Anyways, kahit sobrang corny o masyadong sweet, totoo naman. Masyado nga akong corny ngayong mga nakaraang araw, pero sa tingin ko kasi kapag sobrang dami mong emosyon na nadarama, hindi na uso ang corny, lahat na papatusin mo, kahit pa kanta ng BackStreet Boys yan. Anyways, totoo, siya na lang naman talaga ang meron ako. Yung isa kong napakatalik na kaibigan, “iniwan” ako, pero okay lang (nga ba) sa’kin (?). Yung isa naman, hindi ko malaman kung galit ba sa’kin o ano. Basta matagal na kaming hindi nagkikita at nag-uusap. Akala ko medyo okay pa kami, pero I can sense some kind of hostility kaya feeling ko may friction talaga kaming dalawa. Ewan ko, sana malaman ko ang nararamdaman niya, gaano man ako masasaktan o maiinis sa sasabihin niya, para naman alam ko rin ang mararamdaman ko. Yung huli, well, hindi naman talaga kami yung type na sobrang close friends, pero important siya sa’kin kasi madalas nakakapaghinga rin ako ng problema sa kanya. Madalas siya na nga lang ang kakuwentuhan ko eh, kaso hindi kami mapalalim ng kuwento lagi, madalas medyo superficial ang topics. Pero appreciated ko pa rin siya kasi he takes time to listen to me, kahit sobrang nonsense pa ang topic.

Ewan ko ba. Bakit ganun? Ang extremes ng mga tao. Kapag malungkot ka, nandyan sila para mag-sympathize. Yung tipong mag-su-suicide ka na tsaka lang sila susulpot. Minsan nga naisip ko na puro self-pity type na lang ang i-blog ko, at least doon may magrereact pa sa lagay ko at magpapayo kahit papaano. Pero hindi naman pwede yun eh, kasi hindi naman all the time I feel self-pity. Kapag masaya ka naman, bigla silang mawawala. Kapag okay na ang buhay mo, boring ka na. Wala ka nang thrill. Kung sa bagay, ang libro nga naman mas masarap basahin sa climax. Pero meron iba diyan kulang na lang magmakaawa ka na ng affection hindi ka pa rin papansinin, kahit na yun pa yung mga taong pinakamalapit sayo, kasi minsan nandun lang sila for the good times. Hindi mo na sila mahanap kapag problema na ang pag-uusapan. Hay taenang buhay ‘to o…

Nasabi ko na hinayaan ko nang tadhana ang mag-control sa kung anumang patutunguhan ng kasalukuyan kong lagay. Akala ko liliparin ako ng tadhana patungo sa mga bagay na makakapagpaintindi sa’kin, pero parang tadhana na mismo ang nagpapabalik ng sakit na nadama at nadarama ko. Akala ko sa pag-let go sa situation na-let go ko na rin ang pain. Nakakainis ang mga panahong bigla mo na lang maririnig ang paborito niyong kanta dalawa, makikita ang poster ng last movie na pinanood niyo o mababasa ang YM Archives ng mga napakahabang pag-uusap niyong dalawa. Minsan lalo, mas nakakainis kasi may mag-te-text na lang bigla ng quote tulad nito:

“There was a man who saw a scorpion floundering around in the water. He decided to save it by stretching out his finger, but the scorpion stung him. The man still tried to get the scorpion out of the water, but the scorpion stung him again. Another man nearby told him to stop saving the scorpion. But the man said, “It is the nature of the scorpion to sting, it is my nature to love. Why should I give up my nature to love just because it is the nature of the scorpion to sting?” Don’t give up loving, don’t give up your goodness, even if the people around you sting…” (Salamat kay KayC para sa quote; oo quote yan, naka-unlimited kasi siya kaya okay lang na mahaba)

O diba akmang-akma naman sa sitwasyon? Haaayyy buhay talaga. Minsan nakakainis na masaktan. Tinakasan mo na nga ang sakit pero pilit ka pa ring hinahabol. Kapag naman hinarap mo, sukdulan ang sakit to the point na gusto mo nang magpakamatay. Buti na lang may mga taong tinatawag na “kaibigan” para makapitan mo at para mahugutan mo ng lakas. Eh pano kung wala kang kaibigan? Pa’no kung wala sila para makapitan mo? Patay na…

Sana lagi na lang akong may kasama. Kapag may kasama kasi ako sobrang saya ko, yung tipong naisasantabi ko na ang mga “problema” ko at nakakalimutan lahat ng sakit na nadarama. Kung minsan nga ako pa talaga ang bangag na nagpapatawa sa mga kasama ko. Pero right after ng pagsasama, kapag uuwi na’ko mag-isa, patay na. Magmumuni-muni na naman ako. Akala ko nalunod ko na ang sakit, nandun pa rin pala. At lalo pa ‘yon mina-magnify ng aking pag-iisa. Sana lagi na lang ako may kasama, para wala na’ng lungkot at sakit kahit papano. Totoo nga ang sabi nila, yun daw mga pinakamagaling magpatawa ay yung mga taong pinakamalalalim ang problema sa buhay. Minsan dinadaan ko na lang sa pagpapatawa ang mga bagay-bagay, at least doon nawawala pa ang pain kahit papa’no.

Hindi ko nga alam eh pero parang nag-eenjoy ako sa sakit. Haha patay na! Nag-eenjoy na sa sakit… baliw na nga ako. Hinde, basta… parang gustong-gusto ko pagmuni-munihan ang mga bagay-bagay. Minsan magagalit ako kasi taena naman eh iniwan ako wala pa ba ako karapatan magalit? Minsan parang maiiyak na lang ako pero joke lang syempre, malapit sa imposible mangyari yon. Pero madalas talaga nalulungkot ako, kasi tuwing uuwi ako, mag-isa. Tuwing papasok sa eskwela, mag-isa. Tuwing kakain, mag-isa. Tuwing mag-ne-net, mag-isa. Tuwing lilipat ng building for my next class, mag-isa. Haaaayyy kelan ba matatapos ang pag-iisa? Mas nakakapagpalala lang ng sakit eh…

Taena eto lang naman sagot sa lahat ng tanong ko eh diba: “JM, choice mo yan”. Taena uupakan ko magsasabi sa’kin niyan. Don’t rub it in, or I’ll rub my fist into your face!

*Mabuti pa si Patrick Star, palagi na lang nakangiti. He serves as a reminder to keep smiling despite all the pains I’m trying to endure…

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