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Archive for January, 2006

I hate it when it rains. It’s either you’re compelled to feel utterly blue or just plain sentimental. Nostalgic, may I add. I love reading my archives. That’s why I almost broke down to tears (the mere impossibility of me crying makes it a bit credible) when my former host’s (Iconrate) server crashed down and with it my 2003 archives. It’s as If I didn’t exist in 2003, in the net for that matter.

The ugly head of March is slowly rearing its head, and with it comes the commencement of my freshman year here in UP. I haven’t experienced much but I can say I went through a lot of things (struggles) in this University. In the coming days the UPCAT results will be released, and I just can’t forget to remember how it first felt when someone told me I passed (it was Mico and I was in Belette’s house then; at first I didn’t believe him. =p). The fact that I’m getting older (bleh!) and that new “kiddies” will come ushering in next semester saddens me a bit, but I guess that’s just how things are supposed to be. Still, I can’t wait to see the faces of the freshermen when they come to their first day of classes, seemingly lost, looking at all the trees, pointing at all the buildings and asking people where Room TBA is. Haha! Now I’ll know how it feels to be an upperclassman. Hehe… time to bully all freshies! (Just Kidding. ^__^ not all upperclassmen do that)

There are many perks of being an upperclassman but I guess there are many irks too. More responsibilities, more paperworks, more readings, less time, less social life, less net time, and all the other hoopla.

Oh and by the way, I’m considering shifting to another course. It’s a matter I haven’t been able to discuss in the dinner table (or with my parents, for that matter). I don’t know how they’d react when I tell them I’m having thoughts of shifting; I can’t wait to see their I-told-you-so expression thinking that I’m the rebellious teenager last year who bullied them into taking Journalism as his major and now he’s considering shifting?! Oh my heck… I don’t know how to break it to them.

I’m most probably shifting to AB Psych, but I’m not yet entirely sure. I just don’t think I’m fit for Journalism. Sure, many people say I write (legibly) articulately but I guess my style of writing isn’t for the papers. Plus, I take into consideration what a friend told me about studying liberal arts, that when we study our craft we lose its essence within us. I think he’s right; writing isn’t something you can put inside a box with all the technicalities if you’re born with it (modesty aside). I think those who should take courses on Liberal Arts are those who want to know further about the craft, otherwise they’d just be hearing echoes of what they already know.

So there. I don’t know if Psych is the right course, but I’m getting an inkling to it; I don’t know, I’m just really interested in knowing how people think and how their thinking affects other people’s thinking as well. Sigh… I thought this’ll be easy; it’s way harder than I thought. I hope you’d all help me out on this… I want to here your comments on these life-changing matter I’m currently in. Thanks!

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DBTC’s fair and St. John Bosco’s feast day is next week already. I can’t say I don’t have mixed feelings about it. The thought of going back to my High School makes me cringe — and all’s not because I don’t like High School that much, it’s just that… there are far worse things that makes me don’t wanna go back there.

But I had to. It’s been 4 months since I last set foot on that ramp in the Millenium Gate. It’s been 4 effin months since I last saw Ma’am Ria, who I miss terribly. It’s been 4 freakin’ months since I last saw Don Bosco’s golden statue near the lobby. It’s been 4 goddamn months, and still I’m a little bit afraid to cut the 4 months short.

But, a risk is a risk, and going to the place that has once been my comfort zone scares me to eternity. I’ve changed, for the last 10 months. I don’t know what Bosconian values I still have with me, and that makes me hesitant because I don’t think I’m worthy of setting foot on such hollowed ground once again. Memories will come flashing back, I know. So many regrets. Too much regrets. And the people I will see will most certainly make an impact to me today. Sigh… it’s a risk I gotta take, and I gotta take it now before it’s too late.

Haha… this entry’s so vague. I guess I’m just a little bit too emotional about this whole thing when I really shouldn’t be. I guess those close to me know why I’m reacting this way. Just the thought of it makes my body freeze, and my heart throb harder. Sigh…

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Adik na’ko sa Skyflakes. Halos wala na’kong ibang kainin kundi Skyflakes. Skyflakes sa umaga, Skyflakes sa hapon, Skyflakes sa gabi. Nagbabaon na’ko sa school ng Skyflakes kasi mahal ang Skyflakes dun (taena, anim na piso?! tatlong piso nga lang dito sa’min eh!).

Anyways, ayon sa Nutritional Facts sa likod ng pakete ng Skyflakes, mayroon itong 250 calories per serving. Hmmm… nakakataba kaya ito? Pero pano kaya kung ito na lang kainin ko ‘pag nasa UP (since hindi din naman ako kumakain ng lunch dun)? Papayat kaya ako? Abangan na lang natin ang dramatic results! *cue dramatic tension music*

Masarap ang Skyflakes at hindi ito nakakasawa. Hayaan nyo na lang ako, eto na lang ang kinaaadikan ko ngayon (kesa naman mag-drugs ako diba?!). Hehe…

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***DISCLAIMER: The comic strip that you’re about to see (which was done by Belette) is nothing but a product of sheer boredom and tons of imagination (put in a little bit of hardwork as well. =p). All reactions, questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, allegations, accusations and contemplations should be directed here.

Click Thumbnail to view larger picture

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I’ve been doing *pretty* fine with my Acads these past few weeks. As of today, I have no recorded cuts or absences (except for one close call when I almost didn’t attend a SocSci3 class because nobody else was in the classroom; good thing I saw my Prof coming up the stairs on my way out . Whew!). I have only one midterm exam left next week on Geog1 (which I still have to study for) and a few more requirements for Comm3, SocSci3 and Journ. DBTC’s fair is not in two weeks, and UP’s is not in three. More reports are fast approaching, as well as two deadlines for two research papers by the beginning of March. A two-week sabbatical for Journ is at hand to devote time for the research paper, and a Geog Camp before the UP fair. 6 speeches are still unaccounted for in Comm3, and 1 will be rearing its head (quite surprisingly) real soon. I can’t wait for this sem to be over (so that the next could start).

I’m planning on taking at least 3 GE courses this summer and 1 NSTP. If I’m lucky enough to get all courses, I’d be adding one PE too. I need to utilize my summer because by May, I’m planning to apply for a call center job (hopefully). If everything goes well, I’d be taking only 15 units (again) next sem so that I could accomodate the job, if ever it’s a night shift. Haha… I’m afraid to go beyond 15 units. =p

Geeks unite!

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Whatever EMO means… it’s not me. =p

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This week is hell. Or so I say.

Have you ever felt like all segments of your heart were working all at the same time? I mean, working on a premise that your heart is like your brain where there are different regions for happiness, loneliness, angst, anger and all the other hoopla, have you ever felt like they were all turned on at the same time? In simpler terms, have you ever felt every emotion possible one after the other? Oh my gosh… I am going crazy, and it’s not just up there!

There’s so much pain going on in here. So much paranoia. So much worries. So much… so much. Too much. Too… much? Can I handle it? Of course I can! *ehermsarcasmeherm* Sometimes you need to kid yourself in order to get or feel what you want.

Sigh… I don’t know what to do anymore… I’m crying out for help! Oh… oh, oh, Lord. (Hmmm… parang narinig ko na yata yun ah? Hehehehe…)

Ewan. All these emotions are just stressing me out. I need… ummm… uh…. what do I need? I don’t know what I want anymore, more so my needs. Sigh… I’m going insane! (If I haven’t already).

This is such a waste of blog space and time. Thanks for spending useless time with me. =p

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Everyday really is an opportunity to learn something new. And yesterday, I learned something about Love.

I learned a very essential factor about Love. I learned that when you love someone, he/she doesn’t need to know you love him/her. I learned that answers need questions before they’re said. I learned that if you want your love to be reciprocated, it’s not love at all; but you’re just looking for a relationship. I learned about how loving someone is different from being in love to someone. And most of all, I learned that you should continue loving even if it hurts.

I admire those people who still continue to love even if they’re continually being hurt (intentionally or unintentionally). I admire those people who still continue to love even if the ones they love don’t even know they’re being loved. I admire those people who are capable of loving even if they don’t get something back in return.

Pag-ibig nga naman. It can make you do a lot of things. It can also teach you so many things. Sa aking pananaw, ang pag-ibig ay ‘di maikakahaon sa isang relationship; ito’y di maipapakita sa simpleng flowers at chocolates; ito’y ‘di maipapaalam sa mga salitang binibitawan; ito’y ‘di basta-basta matatapos sa rejection ng minamahal mo; at ito’y hindi basta-basta mawawala gaano man kasakit ang idinudulot nito sa’yo. Dahil gaya ng isang marangal na mamamayan, hindi mo naman kailangang tumakbo sa isang posisyon para makatulong sa maraming tao; sa pag-ibig, hindi naman kailangang maging “kayo” para maipakita niyo ang pagmamahal sa isa’t-isa. Tama na ang mga simpleng gestures para maipakita mo sa kanya na mahal mo sya. At kung umiiyak ka man gabi-gabi, it’s all worth it kasi at least naipapakita mo kung gaano mo siya kamahal.

Sabi ng isang kaibigan, “siguro tamang sabihin kapag tinanong. Pero kung hindi, tamang ipakita.” May point siya. Hindi naman kailangang malaman ng taong ‘yun kung mahal mo nga siya, kasi kung ipinagduldulan mo ‘yon sa mukha niya, isa lang ang ibig sabihin non: gusto mong masuklian ang pagmamahal na ibinibigay mo sa kanya. Kaya mabuti na lang na manahimik kayong dalawa (o ikaw, for that matter) at damahin at ipadama na lamang ang pag-ibig na mayroon kayo para sa isa’t-isa.

Lastly, I would like to make this point: Love need not be said for someone to appreciate it. Kung mahal mo talaga ang isang tao, patunayan mo, ipakita mo ‘yon sa kanya. Love can survive even if it’s one way; you can show and show your love without taking love in return. A relationship, on the other hand, requires two-way. And lastly, remember that love is not a noun, it’s a verb. It’s not something you give to someone, but it’s something you have to show to someone. Ginagawa. ü

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by Bamboo

I’ll move on here lying in my cozy bed
What’s next on my list too much to think about
Maybe I’m better off dead
Realize when everything’s done and said I’d given up

Goodbye friend we never really had a chance to talk
Take a breath just a minute or two
Let me try to find a reason for what you’re about to do
What are you about to do

You got our attention let’s all just settle down
So you did the unimaginable oh I hope you’re proud
Cuz it’s never gonna be the same
Cuz it’s never gonna be the same

Brother is this it was this some race to the end
Save me from myself remind me what I have to do
Cuz from time to time I seem to forget
O yes the sun will rise again
Talk to you later… friend

Goodbye friend…

Minsan, sa kanta daw maipapakita ng isang tao kung ano ang kanyang tunay na nararamdaman. Sa palagay ko, sinabi na ng kantang ‘to lahat-lahat. Salamat, Belette, for sharing… at sana never nang maging kanta mo sa’kin ulit ‘to. *hug*

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Kahapon ng tanghali, pinuntahan ko si Belette sa USTe para sunduin siya, pano kasi may sakit siya pero kailangan niyang pumasok para sa isang exam, eh kamusta naman kung uuwi siya mag-isa diba?! Baka kung ano pa mangyari do’n, kaya nag-prisinta na’kong sunduin siya at ihatid sa bahay kasi hanggang 1130 lang naman ang klase ko kahapon. Ang sabi ba naman ng Belette sa text, ang sweet ko daw. Gusto ko sanang mag-reply: “Taena Belette, ikaw na nga lang ang meron ako papabayaan pa ba kita?” Pero taena, masyado nang sweet ang pagsundo sa USTe, ayoko na dagdagan pa, baka kung sa’n pa mauwi yan (haha fat chance… =p).

Anyways, kahit sobrang corny o masyadong sweet, totoo naman. Masyado nga akong corny ngayong mga nakaraang araw, pero sa tingin ko kasi kapag sobrang dami mong emosyon na nadarama, hindi na uso ang corny, lahat na papatusin mo, kahit pa kanta ng BackStreet Boys yan. Anyways, totoo, siya na lang naman talaga ang meron ako. Yung isa kong napakatalik na kaibigan, “iniwan” ako, pero okay lang (nga ba) sa’kin (?). Yung isa naman, hindi ko malaman kung galit ba sa’kin o ano. Basta matagal na kaming hindi nagkikita at nag-uusap. Akala ko medyo okay pa kami, pero I can sense some kind of hostility kaya feeling ko may friction talaga kaming dalawa. Ewan ko, sana malaman ko ang nararamdaman niya, gaano man ako masasaktan o maiinis sa sasabihin niya, para naman alam ko rin ang mararamdaman ko. Yung huli, well, hindi naman talaga kami yung type na sobrang close friends, pero important siya sa’kin kasi madalas nakakapaghinga rin ako ng problema sa kanya. Madalas siya na nga lang ang kakuwentuhan ko eh, kaso hindi kami mapalalim ng kuwento lagi, madalas medyo superficial ang topics. Pero appreciated ko pa rin siya kasi he takes time to listen to me, kahit sobrang nonsense pa ang topic.

Ewan ko ba. Bakit ganun? Ang extremes ng mga tao. Kapag malungkot ka, nandyan sila para mag-sympathize. Yung tipong mag-su-suicide ka na tsaka lang sila susulpot. Minsan nga naisip ko na puro self-pity type na lang ang i-blog ko, at least doon may magrereact pa sa lagay ko at magpapayo kahit papaano. Pero hindi naman pwede yun eh, kasi hindi naman all the time I feel self-pity. Kapag masaya ka naman, bigla silang mawawala. Kapag okay na ang buhay mo, boring ka na. Wala ka nang thrill. Kung sa bagay, ang libro nga naman mas masarap basahin sa climax. Pero meron iba diyan kulang na lang magmakaawa ka na ng affection hindi ka pa rin papansinin, kahit na yun pa yung mga taong pinakamalapit sayo, kasi minsan nandun lang sila for the good times. Hindi mo na sila mahanap kapag problema na ang pag-uusapan. Hay taenang buhay ‘to o…

Nasabi ko na hinayaan ko nang tadhana ang mag-control sa kung anumang patutunguhan ng kasalukuyan kong lagay. Akala ko liliparin ako ng tadhana patungo sa mga bagay na makakapagpaintindi sa’kin, pero parang tadhana na mismo ang nagpapabalik ng sakit na nadama at nadarama ko. Akala ko sa pag-let go sa situation na-let go ko na rin ang pain. Nakakainis ang mga panahong bigla mo na lang maririnig ang paborito niyong kanta dalawa, makikita ang poster ng last movie na pinanood niyo o mababasa ang YM Archives ng mga napakahabang pag-uusap niyong dalawa. Minsan lalo, mas nakakainis kasi may mag-te-text na lang bigla ng quote tulad nito:

“There was a man who saw a scorpion floundering around in the water. He decided to save it by stretching out his finger, but the scorpion stung him. The man still tried to get the scorpion out of the water, but the scorpion stung him again. Another man nearby told him to stop saving the scorpion. But the man said, “It is the nature of the scorpion to sting, it is my nature to love. Why should I give up my nature to love just because it is the nature of the scorpion to sting?” Don’t give up loving, don’t give up your goodness, even if the people around you sting…” (Salamat kay KayC para sa quote; oo quote yan, naka-unlimited kasi siya kaya okay lang na mahaba)

O diba akmang-akma naman sa sitwasyon? Haaayyy buhay talaga. Minsan nakakainis na masaktan. Tinakasan mo na nga ang sakit pero pilit ka pa ring hinahabol. Kapag naman hinarap mo, sukdulan ang sakit to the point na gusto mo nang magpakamatay. Buti na lang may mga taong tinatawag na “kaibigan” para makapitan mo at para mahugutan mo ng lakas. Eh pano kung wala kang kaibigan? Pa’no kung wala sila para makapitan mo? Patay na…

Sana lagi na lang akong may kasama. Kapag may kasama kasi ako sobrang saya ko, yung tipong naisasantabi ko na ang mga “problema” ko at nakakalimutan lahat ng sakit na nadarama. Kung minsan nga ako pa talaga ang bangag na nagpapatawa sa mga kasama ko. Pero right after ng pagsasama, kapag uuwi na’ko mag-isa, patay na. Magmumuni-muni na naman ako. Akala ko nalunod ko na ang sakit, nandun pa rin pala. At lalo pa ‘yon mina-magnify ng aking pag-iisa. Sana lagi na lang ako may kasama, para wala na’ng lungkot at sakit kahit papano. Totoo nga ang sabi nila, yun daw mga pinakamagaling magpatawa ay yung mga taong pinakamalalalim ang problema sa buhay. Minsan dinadaan ko na lang sa pagpapatawa ang mga bagay-bagay, at least doon nawawala pa ang pain kahit papa’no.

Hindi ko nga alam eh pero parang nag-eenjoy ako sa sakit. Haha patay na! Nag-eenjoy na sa sakit… baliw na nga ako. Hinde, basta… parang gustong-gusto ko pagmuni-munihan ang mga bagay-bagay. Minsan magagalit ako kasi taena naman eh iniwan ako wala pa ba ako karapatan magalit? Minsan parang maiiyak na lang ako pero joke lang syempre, malapit sa imposible mangyari yon. Pero madalas talaga nalulungkot ako, kasi tuwing uuwi ako, mag-isa. Tuwing papasok sa eskwela, mag-isa. Tuwing kakain, mag-isa. Tuwing mag-ne-net, mag-isa. Tuwing lilipat ng building for my next class, mag-isa. Haaaayyy kelan ba matatapos ang pag-iisa? Mas nakakapagpalala lang ng sakit eh…

Taena eto lang naman sagot sa lahat ng tanong ko eh diba: “JM, choice mo yan”. Taena uupakan ko magsasabi sa’kin niyan. Don’t rub it in, or I’ll rub my fist into your face!

*Mabuti pa si Patrick Star, palagi na lang nakangiti. He serves as a reminder to keep smiling despite all the pains I’m trying to endure…

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*BANGAG AKO, BACK OFF!!!
BULAGAAAA!!! See that?! Those are called EYE BAGS…

I went home groggy this afternoon. I walked like a drunken old man, thinking that anytime I’d stop in the middle of my walking and collapse right then and there. I enjoyed the thought for a while, thinking how an ambulance would carry me to a hospital with white bed sheets and airconditioned rooms. That way, I don’t have to walk and ride all the way home.

Dismissing such thoughts of downright pathetic discourse, I continued on my way home. Having come from UP watching Probe Documentaries at the Film Center with Karen, I had very little time to catch some sleep, especially because of the fact that I was in UP. An hour before watching the documentaries, I dropped by MassComm to photocopy some readings. I thought of grabbing a small bite because I haven’t had my lunch yet, but the xerox guy ate up all of my remaining one hour of interval before the Probe Documentaries.

During my Math class, I stole few seconds of sleep while Ma’am was talking about gibberish; well, not exactly gibberish, but that’s what I thought of it at that moment. I wasn’t really sleepy until Ma’am Batangan in SocSci3 started with her long and very deep series of lectures. Well, at least I was interested in the topic, but the way she talked really made me sleepy… all her words just became “matulog ka na, JM, matulog ka na…” Mwahahaha! At least in Geography class I was very alive, well why wouldn’t I?! We won in the quiz bee thanks and no thanks to me! Har har… we got free chocnut!!! How often do you get free chocnut, huh??!

All these kabangagan because I woke up at 2 am this morning and wasn’t able to sleep until then. I slept at 11pm so applying the mathematical and arithmetic operations principle on real numbers, we can therefore arrive at the plausible conclusion that the aggregation of the time I slept minus the time I woke up is equivalent to no less than 3 hours. In layman’s term, 11pm-2am = 3 hours, if you know what I mean. *wink wink*

Sigh… I wasn’t able to sleep today… that’s why all the grogginess… and guess why I wasn’t able to sleep? Wrong. Wrong again. Fudge, I guess you’re right. And I’m guessing I’m going to have to enjoy more sudden awakenings in the future… or worse, sleepless nights! *exasperated gasp* The horrors…

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*Aba… may background music pa’ko, pang-set ng mood. Haha… for the record, eto ang mga tinugtog nang kanta dito sa Linkpointe Computer Shop: Through the Years, If the feeling is gone, ‘Till my Heartaches End, Now that you’re Gone, Fallin’, and the list goes on. Mr.God, ikaw ba yan?

Today, I wept. After almost a year, I wept. And I didn’t weep because of joy — I wept because of grief, of pain… the pain of saying goodbye to a friend.

I wept. But I wept more because there was no shoulder there I could cry on (I was at the campus at that time). Mr.God really hits you where it hurts the most. He chose the perfect time, the perfect place and the perfect person to make me weep. What’s so depressing about it was that the shoulder I wanted to cry on… was the reason I was crying.

This is exactly the reason why it hurts.
“It hurts, and it hurts more because you don’t know why it hurts. It hurts more because you can’t understand why it hurts. And it hurts more because I continue hurting even though I want to stop hurting”

Does this feeling seem familiar? Yes! this situation happened to the both of us for about a year now for me or 7 months in your case. And this we felt to the people we love most.

You have your reasons, I have my reflections. It has been your choice to tell everything to me those times. Now, I have my option to keep mine today.

I’m sorry for not telling you the reasons behind what is happening to me/ to us all this time. I was afraid that I might break your heart over and over again. Maybe you’re right; I am beginning to be selfish. I am turning to be a monster that you never imagined I would be. But if this self centeredness means the capacity not to be hurt again, I would choose to have one for now.

There is no better way than this. I’m so tired of being hurt. I ‘m tired of rejections. I’m tired of loving so much. You know these things. You know my capacity to love. You know my capacity to be hurt. You know my capability to be part of ones life. I have reached the limit of this friendship. Now I am afraid and preventing myself to go further the limit. I’ll rest for a while my friend. Continue this journey of friendship without me on your side. I’ll try to catch up. If I do, please weep again on my shoulders and embrace me like there will be no tomorrow. thank you friend.

If this is goodbye, then please let it be the sweetest goodbye I’ll ever have. Let it be the sweetest, so that I may Forever yearn for your hello once again. On your shoulders I wept real hard for the first time. Please, let me weep on them again, even for the last time… You were my only friend who let me cry on his shoulders. And crying on them just explains how important you are to me; crying over your loss, over this farewell, just defines the whole point of this friendship. You are precious to me, and if life really takes away the ones most precious to you, then so be it. You know I hate farewells, but for you, my friend, I’m prepared to embrace goodbye…

Saying that you are the BEST FRIEND I ever had, have, and will ever have is an understatement. You were, were, and will always be more than that to me, my friend.

Here’s to a sweet goodbye. And here’s to wishing, hoping, yearning — knowing — that someday, somewhere, we’ll say our sweet hellos once again to each other.

I love you, my friend. T_T

Through the Years
I can’t remember when you weren’t there
When I didn’t care for anyone but you
I swear we’ve been through everything there is
Can’t imagine anything we’ve missed
Can’t imagine anything the two of us can’t do
Through the years, you’ve never let me down
You turned my life around, the sweetest days I’ve found
I’ve found with you … through the years
I’ve never been afraid,
I’ve loved the life we’ve made
And I’m so glad I’ve stayed, right here with you
Through the years
I can’t remember what I used to do
Who I trusted whom, I listened to before
I swear you’ve taught me everything I know
Can’t imagine needing someone so
But through the years it seems to me
I need you more and more
Through the years, through all the good and bad
I knew how much we had, I’ve always been so glad
To be with you … through the years
It’s better everyday, you’ve kissed my tears away
As long as it’s okay, I’ll stay with you
Through the years
Through the years, when everything went wrong
Together we were strong, I know that I belonged
Right here with you … through the years
I never had a doubt, we’d always work things out
I’ve learned what love’s about, by loving you
Through the years
Through the years, you’ve never let me down
You’ve turned my life around, the sweetest days I’ve found
I’ve found with you … through the years
It’s better everyday, you’ve kissed my tears away
As long as it’s okay, I’ll stay with you
Through the years…

It may end here today, but I know it will start again somewhere tomorrow.

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TRIPLE FEATURE: Three Movies in Three Days

Trust and Believe (w/ Belette last Saturday @ Shang)
Those were the two words that’s pretty eminent in the film. I never knew anything about Narnia prior to watching it, except that Trumpets used to stage it. All I can say is, it’s no Harry Potter movie because it stands on its own. I think I may have yet another series of movies to follow. Much props to the actors and the production designers, but the special effects weren’t quite stunning as expected; they’re to be lauded but it pales in comparison with other films of the same stature.

Demonic Disturbance? (w/Ron yesterday @ Mega)
To put it quite simply, St. Ange failed to come across. I had no prior knowledge of the film whatsoever, which kind-of excited and had me worried at the same time. It has a nice working story (the first-ever documented demonic disturbance in Germany(?)), great actors and fabulous cinematography, but the delivery and execution isn’t something to be happy about.

“Balang araw, maiintindihan mo din…” (alone, today @ SM North)
Blue Moon is a movie about many things. It’s a movie about second chances, on how when finding one you should never let it go. After all, a blue moon is your second shot of seeing a full moon in a month. It talks about how second chances are most of the time more beautiful than the first ones, and that you should hold on to it forever. It’s also a movie about finding what you lost, whether it be a material possession, a friend, a relative, a loved one, or even yourself. It talked about how you can always find what you’re looking for, if only you submit to destiny. Which is the third theme for this movie: submitting to destiny, no matter how hard it may be, because destiny will always help you find your way. “Sabi nila, ang mga ibon daw, nagpapadala lang sa hangin kapag may hinahanap… kaya naman ang hangin, dinadala sila sa kung anuman ang hinahanap nila…”

I guess it was providential that I got to watch this movie today. I was forever nagging Belette to watch it with me last saturday, but I conceded and watched Narnia with her instead. I was with Ron yesterday, forever hoping we’d watch Blue Moon, but we watched St. Ange (I have no right to complain, it’s his treat. =p). I guess with all the turmoil (if you can call it that) recently, it was perfect timing that I got to watch Blue Moon today.

I learned so many things from this movie. The line “balang araw, maiiintindihan mo rin…” kept on reverberating inside my head. Siguro nga, balang araw, maiintindihan ko rin ang gusto niyang mangyari. Ang alam ko ngayon, hahayaan ko na lang na paglaruan ng tadhana ang buhay ko, magpapadala na lang ako sa’n man ako nito gustong dalhin. Marami akong tanong, but I guess hindi lahat masasagot ngayon. Siguro nga hindi ngayon ang tamang panahon para maintindihan ko ang mga bagay-bagay, kaya’t magpapadala na lang ako sa tadhana ko upang matagpuan ko kung anuman ang hinahanap ko, at magkaroon ng pangalawang pagkakataon sa pagkakaibigang ito — kung meron man.

Masakit ang gagawin kong ito, ‘di hamak na mas madami pang pasakit kaysa sa mga naranasan ko nitong mga nakaraang araw. Pero kung ‘yun talaga, ‘yun talaga. Wala na akong magagawa kung yun ang gusto niyang mangyari, o kung anong gustong mangyari ng tadhana. Siguro ngayon sobrang sakit, kasi hindi ko pa talaga maintindihan ang mga pangyayari. Pero maghihintay ako, kaibigan, gaano man ka-corny, hihintayin ko ang Blue Moon kung kailan magkikita tayong muli. Salamat sa unang pagkakataon, nawa’y ang ikalawa’y mas matamis at mas masaya pa kaysa sa nauna.

“Balang araw, maiintindihan mo rin…”

Dearest Lord,
Please grant me the serenity
To accept with Patience
The things I can’t change;
The courage to change
The things I can
And wisdom
To know the difference…
AMEN.

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Plan your life, but never expect everything to happen.
My purrdy purrdy planner! 😛

I started on this planner this year. It was a Starbucks Planner that I got courtesy of Lorenz (and his treasure chest of Starbucks GC’s. =p thanks a bunch, bes!). The need for such arose when I would constantly forget I have an assignment an hour before the class starts (which almost got my butt a few times already). I’m becoming really forgetful lately, that’s why I told myself I should organize my thoughts into a planner. It turned out, my thoughts (even if they were already written on the planner) are everywhere.

My planner, aside from keeping track of all my schedule, doubles as a diary/journal/blog or something to keep track of what happened in a day (so that I could go back to them if the need arises), and triples as a scrapbook (courtesy of all the pictres I post in its pages). So far the planner has been doing me well, although sometimes I tend to blabber which fills up the pages and makes it looks messy. No, wait, I love it messy. Hehe…

I posted this picture at the info page of my planner. When it was not yet filled, the empty space said “put your picture with your favorite starbucks drink here”. And so, I took a quick pic and it was perfect! =p

I have so many plans for my planner (wuhoo redundant). I hope I can do all of them before the year ends. That way, I can keep this memorabilia of mine in my treasure chest (and even sell it in the future if ever I become famous. Okay I’ll stop the daydreaming here. =p)

*Today was like a Harry Potter movie gone wrong. You paint a magnificent picture with your mind only to find out that almost everything was not what you expected them to be. It hurts, and it hurts more because you don’t know why it hurts. It hurts more because you can’t understand why it hurts. And it hurts more because you continue hurting even though you want to stop hurting and start caring. My fragile heart has become more fragile, to the point of being totally broken. Let’s not hope I die tonight of misery.

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Why?! Why does all these have to happen? Why me? Why all these pain? Why all these anguish? Why can’t I cry? Why all these emotions? Why make friendship so much complicated? I thought I escaped the complexity of a relationship by not falling in love, but why do I have to endure the pain of friendship? Why does friendship entail pain in the first place? Why of all the motherfudging creatures in this motherfudging world, I am the one who gets stuck in this motherfudging situation I can’t even motherfudging understand?!

MOTHERFUDGER!!! Urrrggghhhh… I so want to help you, my friend. But why won’t you let me? Please, please let me understand. I WANT TO understand. MAKE ME understand.

Fudge this motherfudging life.

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