Archive for November, 2005

Sobrang pasaway akong bata. Pano kasi, may dalawa akong sabbatical na sinusunod ngayon (or supposedly sinusunod ko sya dapat). Pero parang ang hirap na sundin eh! Dalawa sila na ina-avoid kong isipin, tingnan o kung anuman, pero parang hindi ko matiis eh. Ginagawa ko pa rin. Pareho silang nakapagdudulot ng sakit sa damdamin pero parehong naaaliw naman ako pag nakikita ko. Haaaayyyy sana ganun na lang kadali mag-sabbatical. Kaya nga sabbatical eh para maibsan muna yung pain.

Hay JM ang pasaway mo palagi mo na lang sinasaktan ang sarili mo. Gago ka ba. Gago ka!!! Oo tama gago ka, paker, shet, pakshet at kung anu-ano na. Palagi ka na lang gumagawa ng mga bagay na ikasasakit ng damdamin mo ngayon o sa darating na araw. Leche ka kailan ka ba matututo?! Ha?! Bobo mo!!! Tiga-UP ka pa naman di ka nag-iisip! Shet ka ayusin mo buhay mo kundi ummmm!!! Kukutusan na kita eh!!!

May Gaaad. Eto na naman ang kabaliwan ko.

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Mom woke me up ate exactly 5:45 am.
I dozed off for another couple minutes.
Not mindful of the time I rose from my bed at 7 am.
I watched some TV then prepared my clothes.
I bathed at 7:15 and left home at 8:00.
I arrived at UP at around 9:00 am.

I went to my Department and saw a line for pre-advising. I stayed in line and saw a former classmate. Asked how long she’s been waiting, it’s been around an hour already. A few seconds later an adviser finally arrived and the line started moving. I had a problem with my checklist since there was an error in my student number. 5 minutes after advising, I went down to get my Form 5. I listed my subject, post-advised, had my account assessed, library cleared, all in just about 30 minutes of waiting.

Me and Reg went to AS for the payments. The booths weren’t open yet and they told us to go to PNB if we want to pay. We went to PNB and at the time of our arrival, two new windows opened and so we paid our dues faster than you can say ‘zippo’.

And they say enrolling in UP is a pain in the ass. Haha joke lang. Swertehan lang talaga atsaka perfect timing, coordination, choregraphy and execution. Naks. Feeling. Malas nga lang si Pao inabutan ng break time, kaya ngayon iniintay ko siya nakapila pa rin siya ngayon (or kumakain ata) nag-iintay ng muling pagbubukas ng PNB.

Bukas, special day ulet for the BFFs. Shopping shopping shopping! =p

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Broken.jpgLast night during our postPostDays gala in Greenbelt I had the chance to talk to “Dr. Love” of Days and my batchmate as well, Kuya Leo. I asked him if he ever felt the way I felt, and he started to narrate a couple of stories. No offense to Leo because I don’t think he understood my situation, well, that’s because I didn’t tell him the whole of it, just the gist.

Have you ever felt this feeling: you are so attracted to someone for so many years now, say, around 6 years already. At this point in time you realize it’s not just mere attraction anymore, it’s something else though you can’t seem to define it. You want to be with this certain person, for all these years that’s what’s you’ve been craving for. But — as always there’s a big BUT — there’s a problem. As much as you want to be with this person, there’s something holding you back, and it’s not you. It could be your different status in society, your age gap, or anything else that could possibly hinder you from being with that somebody. You know you want to, but you can’t.

I have this huge huge attraction/crush/infatuation/fixation with somebody. It’s been going on since, say, I’m 13 or 14 years old. It started from simple attraction that grew into a more complicated matter. But my problem is, that somebody is a celebrity. A TV/Movie star. My two BFFs know about this already. I know it’s not just fanaticism or idolatry, I know it’s something else. And it tears me up inside because no matter how badly I want to be with this somebody, I know I can’t. You know how it is with celebrities. I know I could try (just like what Leo said) but I also know that I’d die trying. It’s a hopeless case.

Now I kind-of understand how a friend of mine feels. He really wants to be with the persons he love, but he can’t. He wants to take care of them, to be concerned to them, to even just be with them, but he can’t. There’s something holding him back and it’s not him. This situation has taken its toll on his health, and it’s not good.

Everytime I remember this certain celebrity, see a picture or hear the song “You’re Beautiful”, I feel what this friend of mine feels. Sometimes, I even have a mini-palpitation of the heart. I’m broken because I really really really want to be with this person, but I know I can’t. Do you understand how that feels? It hurts, literally and implied.

Sigh… here’s something to make things hurt more:

You’re Beautiful
James Blunt

My life is brilliant
My life is pure
I saw an angel
Of that I’m sure

She smiled at me on the subway
She was with another man
But I won’t lose ’em
Sleep all night
‘Cause I’ve got a plan

You’re Beautiful
You’re Beautiful
You’re Beautiful it’s true
I saw your face
In a crowded place
And I don’t know what to do
‘Cause I’ll never be with you

Yes you caught my eyes
As I walked on by
She could see from my face
That I was fucking high

And I don’t think
That I’ll see her again
But we shared a moment
That will last ’til the end

You’re Beautiful
You’re Beautiful
You’re Beautiful it’s true
I saw your face
In a crowded place
And I don’t know what to do
‘Cause I’ll never be with you

You’re Beautiful
You’re Beautiful
You’re Beautiful it’s true
There must be an angel
With a smile in her face
hen she saw up that I should be with you
But it’s time to face the truth :,(
‘Cause I’ll never be with you :,(

Here’s to feeling more broken in the coming days… Sigh…

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Waaahhh… ang unfair ko! No, wait, I think I was misunderstood. Hmmm… or maybe I was understood correctly, kaso mali lang talaga yung message na naiparating ko…

To Lorenz and Pao, I promise you don’t have anything to do with this problem of mine. You two have been the syrup on my pancake, the butter on my pandesal and the arnibal on my taho. With you two, I can be who I really want to be. With you two, there are no pretentions, no intimidations, no insecurities.

My recent “problem” (if you can call it that), concerns other people, besides the two of you. I’m sorry for being undair in my wordings and the message I tried to convey. Promise, I never meant it to come out that way. I have many thoughts but putting them into words proved to be a chore, that’s why it came out as how it came to be. I’m really sorry.

Please, Lorenz, don’t feel that way. It hurts that you feel that way because of what I made you feel and what you said you did not make me feel (anu daw?!). Pero promise, I promised myself not to put my true feelings into words because it comes out not how I want it to, pero I hope you can feel what I feel because you make me feel that way (anu daw ule?!). I hope you understand. You are my BEST Friends, and nothing can top that.

I hope you do understand what I just did… LAST SUMMER. Ahehehe korneeeee…

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I’ve been thinking a lot lately.

And I’ve been asking a lot of questions.

One moment, I’d just be staring at blank space.

I’ve got so many questions.

Too many questions.

I don’t even know how to begin asking them.

It’s just that… I’ve been having personality issues lately. So many questions pop into my mind lately, especially regarding friendship. Or, not even friendship. Communal Acquaintance. Knowing someone and being known to someone. It’s hard to explain, but here are the questions that keep on popping in my mind:

Have you ever felt that feeling when you’re asking yourself, how much do I mean to this certain person? Or do I mean anything to him/her at all? I’m not talking about being romantically in love. It’s just that, I have so many issues regarding my friends. It’s as if my whole personality drives them away from me. I keep on asking myself, how do I make my friends stay? Or are they meant to walk away from me? Sometimes when I see two of my friends who are so close to each other, I ask myself, why can’t I be as close to them as they are close to each other? It’s a whole lot more complicated than that, believe me.

Ultimately, how do you know if you mean anything to someone without asking? Without him/her having to tell you ‘you mean the world to me’? Without using words?

I begin to wonder if there is even one person, just one person out there whom I mean a lot to. I have a lot of friends and all of them mean the world to me. I know it’s a selfish thing but I feel it’s part of my purpose to totally be something to somebody.

I guess it’s just an issue of appreciation, if ever anybody out there appreciates the things that I do. Yes, selfish once again. But what can I do?

I always get envy when a friend of mine acknowledges another friend of ours because of the things he/she has done for him/her. I get envy when one friend would invite this friend but won’t invite me. When will a person come acknowledge me for being a part of their lives? I know I am being unfair, because I’ve/I’ve had friends who already told me that. I don’t know. I’m as confused as you are.

Add to that all my insecurities in life. It’s as if all my insecurities are curses bound to keep my friends away from me. I just can’t take all my insecurities away from me. This is bad. Real bad. Sometimes I ask God if he purposely made me a very insecure person. Sometimes I even question God’s way of dealing with me, on why he didn’t give me this and didn’t give me that. Yes, I blame God a lot lately. It’s bad… because I just can’t blame myself. I acknowledge all my part in this whole “problem”, but it’s just hard to swallow how I’ve cooked this up without ever meaning to.

I know I have a much bigger problem than what I’ve just written, I just can’t identify them right now. That’s why I’m in a crisis. I can’t identify my problems, that’s why I can’t solve them.

Sigh… when will I leave an eternal mark on somebody’s life?

So many questions… so many questions…

I guess it really is true. EGO does mean Edging God Out. And recently, I’ve been edging Him out of my life. It’s hard. Life is complicated. God is complicated. Everything’s complicated! Or is it just me who complicates things? I don’t know, but the thing is, it’s complicated.

*Oh and to my BFFs, don’t worry, this has nothing to do with my ‘thing’. I told you I swallowed it whole months ago. ^__^ Sigh BFFs sorry for being so unfair to you, but I tell you, YOU TWO MEAN A WHOLE DAMN LOT TO ME. Thanks a whole bunch…

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