And I’ve been asking a lot of questions.
One moment, I’d just be staring at blank space.
I’ve got so many questions.
Too many questions.
I don’t even know how to begin asking them.
It’s just that… I’ve been having personality issues lately. So many questions pop into my mind lately, especially regarding friendship. Or, not even friendship. Communal Acquaintance. Knowing someone and being known to someone. It’s hard to explain, but here are the questions that keep on popping in my mind:
Have you ever felt that feeling when you’re asking yourself, how much do I mean to this certain person? Or do I mean anything to him/her at all? I’m not talking about being romantically in love. It’s just that, I have so many issues regarding my friends. It’s as if my whole personality drives them away from me. I keep on asking myself, how do I make my friends stay? Or are they meant to walk away from me? Sometimes when I see two of my friends who are so close to each other, I ask myself, why can’t I be as close to them as they are close to each other? It’s a whole lot more complicated than that, believe me.
Ultimately, how do you know if you mean anything to someone without asking? Without him/her having to tell you ‘you mean the world to me’? Without using words?
I begin to wonder if there is even one person, just one person out there whom I mean a lot to. I have a lot of friends and all of them mean the world to me. I know it’s a selfish thing but I feel it’s part of my purpose to totally be something to somebody.
I guess it’s just an issue of appreciation, if ever anybody out there appreciates the things that I do. Yes, selfish once again. But what can I do?
I always get envy when a friend of mine acknowledges another friend of ours because of the things he/she has done for him/her. I get envy when one friend would invite this friend but won’t invite me. When will a person come acknowledge me for being a part of their lives? I know I am being unfair, because I’ve/I’ve had friends who already told me that. I don’t know. I’m as confused as you are.
Add to that all my insecurities in life. It’s as if all my insecurities are curses bound to keep my friends away from me. I just can’t take all my insecurities away from me. This is bad. Real bad. Sometimes I ask God if he purposely made me a very insecure person. Sometimes I even question God’s way of dealing with me, on why he didn’t give me this and didn’t give me that. Yes, I blame God a lot lately. It’s bad… because I just can’t blame myself. I acknowledge all my part in this whole “problem”, but it’s just hard to swallow how I’ve cooked this up without ever meaning to.
I know I have a much bigger problem than what I’ve just written, I just can’t identify them right now. That’s why I’m in a crisis. I can’t identify my problems, that’s why I can’t solve them.
Sigh… when will I leave an eternal mark on somebody’s life?
So many questions… so many questions…
I guess it really is true. EGO does mean Edging God Out. And recently, I’ve been edging Him out of my life. It’s hard. Life is complicated. God is complicated. Everything’s complicated! Or is it just me who complicates things? I don’t know, but the thing is, it’s complicated.
*Oh and to my BFFs, don’t worry, this has nothing to do with my ‘thing’. I told you I swallowed it whole months ago. ^__^ Sigh BFFs sorry for being so unfair to you, but I tell you, YOU TWO MEAN A WHOLE DAMN LOT TO ME. Thanks a whole bunch…