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I am schizophrenic.

And I believe we all are. Yes, we all are. There is not one person in this world who projects only one, clear and apparent personality. We may be boasting of our achievements or bragging about our positive traits, but all of us, behind that mask of positivism, has a degraded, neglected, negative personality we hide from people. Most of the time, it’s only us who know about this personality of ours. Sometimes, we share it with others. It comes in a very profound form we put in the back of our minds, vanishing it into oblivion. Sometimes, we let it dominate our conscious. Sometimes, it enters our subconscious. We all have it, but sometimes we don’t want it. We shrug our shoulders away from it, even if it waves its ugly head right smack on our faces. Yes, it’s the other side of you: your secrets — the things only you know, and only you made.

I am schizophrenic. I have a good side, and of course, I have a bad side. The good side is most of the time what I let other people see; but of course, you’d always want people to see you in a good manner! My bad side is hidden in an old crest buried deep within my soul. I know it is mine because I created that side of me. But I want it extinguished — not just hidden — because when it dominates my other personality, I am an entirely different person.

Sometimes, I’d like to call that “bad side” the “real part” of me. It’s my personality that blends in with what’s in my environment. Yes, it could be the “sexual” part of me — something that not everyone would want themselves to project. But come to think of it, we all have this “sexual” parts in us. Some people’s “sexual” personalities are graver than the others. Some may seem minuscule, or very seldom, none at all. But we all have it, other people are just not aware of it. It’s a truth that doesn’t set us free, but instead imprisons our poor, weak soul.

Yes, I am imprisoned by a sexual behavior I would very much want to escape. (Before you continue, don’t think too broad or too narrow, it’s not what you think, I assure you). I have been imprisoned with such a behavior ever since I was a child, even before I reached puberty. It’s a behavior that offers temporary pleasure, but takes you on a guilt trip in return. It’s a behavior so unbecoming of me, because I am regarded as someone “spiritual” or “holy”, if you may say that.

But more than being imprisoned by this behavior that is not so uncommon, there is a struggle; a struggle to break free from it. It’s a struggle that is dictated by society. It’s a struggle that’s dictated by my mind. I must be free. I must be able to escape from it.

But it’s hard. It’s so hard. It’s very hard to escape from something that haunts you from time to time. It’s hard to escape from something that eats you at every opportunity it can get. It’s hard to escape the truth, the truth that’s supposed to set you free, but instead eats your whole being.

Help me. I need to break free.


One Response to “The Schizophrenic Me”
  1. Anonymous says:

    why not think that the real you is both the good and the bad side of you? the real you can’t be your negative side only, that would be unfair to your kuya jess. and it can’t just be your good side, because that wouldn’t also be real. though we all strive to be as good as we can be. we have to accept that there is this both side of us, if we can’t then it is very hard to accept the real us.

    kaya nga merong nagpakamatay para sa atin di ba? kasi we can not do it on our own. so rather than eliminating the negative side of you, consider it as your cross, then accept it, then embrace it. you know what happens when you embrace the cross? go figure :)

    Kuya Jess’ love doesn’t diminish with our every sin. we just feel that we tend to move farther from him, but actually, he is where he is, tayo lang ang gumagalaw. parang solar system and He is the sun.

    maligayang birthday muli.

    manggary

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