Archive for May, 2005

The pictures… are back!!!

Courtesy of Lorenz, and his trusty MP3 player who happens to also be an external file storage device, I was able to transfer my oh so precious pics from my memory card to my PC.

I’ve been grogging to have my own memory card reader, but I guess I’m too lazy to save up for it. I have a knack for choosing a moment’s pleasure rather than a lifetime of joy.

So! Expect *some* pictures in the next coming posts or whenever I feel like putting one. But for the meantime…

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I’m BACK!!!

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Here’s the scenario:

You wake up so damn early for no reason at all. You wipe whatever it is to be wiped from your eyes and you turned the TV on. You tuned in to your favorite channel for a while then you decided to start to freshen up.

Your sister called you because you had a caller on the phone. It was one of your bestest friends. You chit-chatted with him but had to tell him you had somewhere to go that morning. You went on with what you have planned.

It was yet so early but you cleaned the rice cooker already and started to prepare cooking rice. You also took out the pans and the canned goods, oiled the pan and cooked the good. You made some juice for yourself to match with what could be your brunch for that day.

You ate with enough joy that you had to do a second round. You emptied the pitcher of juice to the half, then you cleaned your mess up. You got a towel from upstairs and went to the bathroom. You did your thing, brushed your teeth and even spilling some mouthwash on the floor.

You rushed upstairs thinking you might be late for your affair. You looked for a suitable shirt to wear and ironed it smooth, something you don’t normally do. You wore your pieces and combed your hair. You put on your socks and texted your friends. You got no reply so while putting your shoes you decide to call them…

…only to find out that the affair has been cancelled.

BUMMER. Asar… good thing I called before I took off, otherwise I’d be waiting for no one in the train station. It’s okay, it’s nobody’s fault…

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Haha… scramble the words to form a sensible sentence! Haha… I love speaking Yoda-ish!

Anyways… I suddenly had the feeling that I need a new lay. Yay… now what I have to find is the “urge” to do it. Har har.

Do I hear cheers and pompoms? Or a skimpy skirt to boot? Where have all the muses gone?!

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Ang saya naman… tama yung statement ni Ate Odie… natutuwa din ako sa nakaraang Days, kasi talagang naging close yung mga staffers! Lahat nagka-share-an ng problema kasi kelangan talaga namin mag-lend ng hand sa isa’t isa kasi we don’t have the luxury of manpower and time. In short, no choice kung hindi tumulong kasi kung hindi tutulong, hindi magiging successful for the participants ang workshop.

Masaya… mas napalalim ang commitment ko kay Kuya Jess, mas ginusto kong mag-serve fully sa next Days, at mas naging close ako sa mga fellow Dayzers ko! Ang saya saya…

Salamat, Kuya Jess!

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Tuesday. I went to the Premier Flagship State University of the Philippines (kala nyo USTe lang ang may mahabang pangalan ah! Huh!) to have my ID picture taken. Exactly 11:00 am I landed on what could be the republic I might call home for the next four years (or so…). I strolled my way into so many buildings so unknown to me, as it was one of my first times to go there. I was a bit lost, but I was confident I would find my own way to the University Registrar. Sigh. False hopes I gave myself (am I starting to sound like Yoda or what?), so I texted a friend and asked for help. Luckily, he knew what to do, and led me to the right direction.

When I got there, I asked the lady guard for some information on the ID Picture taking. She told me I had to pay first at the Cashier’s Office. At the Back of PNB, which is near the shopping center, which is near the Infirmary, and by the way is also at the other side of the galaxy. Sigh. Walk, walk, walk, you never get past walking in this place.

I was saving up a couple of bucks because I had no idea how much the ID Picture would cost. I only brought 200 pesos at that time, and almost half of it was already consumed for food and transportation expenses.

When I got to the Cashier’s Office (after what could be an eternity of walking), something horrible dawned on me: ID Picture Taking: Php130.00 I cringed. My grip went tight on my pocket. I was only 30 pesos short, but if ever I did have that extra shot of 30 pesos I still had to problemize my way home. I called my mom (or rather, I asked her to call me), and told her of the horrible incident.

Shoot. Money wasted.

Friday. I went back to the PFSUP in Diliman again, this time with a whopping 300 pesos in my pocket. I got there quite early, quite fresh, and quite irritated because of the long wait in the PANTRANCO Terminal. I timed myself so I would be aware of how much time I should allot for travel when school comes in, and my clockings showed an approximate travel time of 1 hour to 1 hour and 15 minutes from home to school.

I was a bit happy that day, and so I went straight to the Cashier’s Office without passing by the Registrar’s (haha… like… konek??!). When I reached for the door of the office, it was locked. I wanted to scream and shout for someone to open me the door, only to hear a bystander, as if in a mocking tone, tell me, “Walang opisina ngayon…”

Shet. I wanted to screw the government at that moment. I wanted to screw myself for being stupid. I wanted to curse the entire damn world!!!

“This office will be closed on April 22 and every succeeding Fridays of May 2005 due to the implementation of the 4-day work week schedule.”

Shit. I hated that notice for being so polite.

Gawrsh… I can’t stop wasting money just for some stupid ID picture! I’ll get mine done when classes start so I would have other important agenda of going to UP!!!

Ugh. Screw, screw, screw!!!

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Wow… I feel so penetrated. Invasion of privacy, or better yet, invasion of life! Grabe na itu… why have I ever let my guard down? Hay okay lang it’s my fault din naman eh… and besides, I’m also one of them… hmmmm… di mo gets? You won’t ever. Promise. ๐Ÿ˜€

The invisible hand is at work. Beware of it.

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Ang bad ko. Bad JM. Bad bad bad bad. Ah ewan. Bad. But I can’t stop. It’s as if I have to. Bad. Bad ako. Tapos.

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“When you can’t do something about it anymore, then bathe in the rain.”

The past few weeks have been total hell (figuratively and literally, I must say) for me and for the whole country as well. Talk about temperatures rising to about 39 degrees, not to mention tempers and urges flaring up to dance with the uber hot sunlight.

Summer was just around the corner, and now it’s fast pacing out of existence. Which is good, right? Well, I must say I am going to miss the heat, but baby do I love the rain!

A while ago I was busy walking our potholed and drilled street scavenging each nearby store for an internet card (since there’s temporary luxury of a modem c/o my brother). Lady Luck isn’t on my side and so I widened my scope and looked for a card in every possible store I could find.

The long walk led me to different alleyways and such, taking me more than a couple of minutes your fingers and toes could ever muster (tip: count!). Suddenly, I felt water touch my skin. And another. And another. And another. And I was on an open street with no roofings nor trees to run for cover. Yes, there is such a place. Rain has coveted me.

But instead of scolding my feet for not running fast enough, I walked lightly. I’m wet, anyway, so why not take the drench and bathe in the rain? Besides, I haven’t accomplished my mission yet, and it’s been years since I last bathed in the rain.

The feeling was very rewarding, as if being freed from a former imprisonment. I wished for all the water the clouds could ever hold to pour down on me, and cleanse me.

Bathe in the rain. When there’s nothing else left to do about it, bathe in the rain. Yeah… think hard about it.

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I’ve been away and went through hell and back

I never was and will again

This week’s nothing but hell. The culmination of the Days Workshop coupled with some problems too hard for me to master. HELL could even be such an understatement.

All the tears I’ve held inside

Why it had to be this long

Tears fell down. Well, almost. But mostly, emotions were kept inside that almost made me spontaneously combust (figuratively). I continued on asking myself why it had to be this long… it’s such a long long day/week/moment. The length of the moment was almost killing me.

And I have failed to see

I put myself inside a box and sealed it tight, no dash of light nor sound able to enter. The box continued on shrinking, and I inside the box continues to be swallowed by the pain of keeping myself away from the world.

I would’ve wanted you gone

Ah, but it’s just too soon

Speaks for itself.

All the times I’ve kept you outside

Why you had to be so strong

Yoda, in Revenge of the Sith, said that “You have to learn to let go of everything you fear to lose.” Hard, but true. That’s separation minus the pain.

And I have failed to see

These dreams, they haunt me back

Foresight is a necessity. Don’t do things you know are going to be consequential for you in the near future. They are going to haunt you forever.

Praise fate

I’m coming home

Welcome back, JM!

*Song “Take No” by Hale

This week has been awfully hard for me. How hard? Let me spell S-U-I-C-I-D-E for you so you’d know how hard it is. But you know what? I made it through (well, almost… but we’re getting there.)

When the heavens put this burden on me, I told myself that I should be the one to take care of it, since I was the one who did it anyway. But no, sometimes when we feel like we’re entirely responsible for something, we should always get help from somebody. Hey, we’re only humans, we’re not like superman.

To all the people who helped me get through…

To Ate Tin, the first person I confided my problem with, thanks for listening to my nonsense and what-nots, and thanks for reassuring me that you’ll always be there for me at the end of the road. I’ll be there for you too, remember that.

To Mico, who assured me that everything is going to be okay. Bro, salamat kasi you accepted me as I am, kahit na hindi naman ganun ka-intimate yung pagkakaibigan natin. Hayaan mo, as time goes by, Jess will make a way. Pero kasi nung third year… wahehehe joke lang…

To Khen, grabe ngayon lang tayo nagkaganito, and I’m so glad we’re like this now. Dati napaka-babaw slash superficial ng pagkakakilanlan natin, ngayon super lalim na siguro. Salamat sa pakikinig and for sharing a part of your life to me too… Thanks din for seeing me as I am… as what I really am…

To Fr Mon, salamat po for the advices. Salamat din po kasi you were my Jess here on earth. I want to thank you for your very existence!

And last but definitely not the least (in height?), Ma’am Ria, salamaaaaattt. Gusto po kitang yakapin, pero hindi ko nagawa. Maybe in other days. Mam, salamat kasi naintindihan nyo ‘ko. Salamat for letting me see the bigger picture as what it really is. Salamat sa pagpapahalaga sa’kin, grabe hindi ko po kayo makakalimutan salamat po talaga. I’ll never forget what you said, “Ginagawa ko to kasi importante ka sa akin!” Wow… ngayon lang ako nakaramdam ng ganung impact napaiyak pa nga ako sa banyo pagkatapos. Haaayyy… Ma’am, you were one of the people who really helped me get through with this… hinding hindi ko po kayo makakalimutan for the rest of my one and only life!!! I love you maaaaaaammmmm!!!

To all of these people, thanks… because when everything else failed in my life, you were there, brave to see right through me. Thanks because if not for all of you, I would still be standing here, stranded on the same ground.


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It’s Over.

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Seven Letters.
Two Syllables.
One Word.


Need details? Sandali Lang… ^_^

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