I’ve been away and went through hell and back

I never was and will again

This week’s nothing but hell. The culmination of the Days Workshop coupled with some problems too hard for me to master. HELL could even be such an understatement.

All the tears I’ve held inside

Why it had to be this long

Tears fell down. Well, almost. But mostly, emotions were kept inside that almost made me spontaneously combust (figuratively). I continued on asking myself why it had to be this long… it’s such a long long day/week/moment. The length of the moment was almost killing me.

And I have failed to see

I put myself inside a box and sealed it tight, no dash of light nor sound able to enter. The box continued on shrinking, and I inside the box continues to be swallowed by the pain of keeping myself away from the world.

I would’ve wanted you gone

Ah, but it’s just too soon

Speaks for itself.

All the times I’ve kept you outside

Why you had to be so strong

Yoda, in Revenge of the Sith, said that “You have to learn to let go of everything you fear to lose.” Hard, but true. That’s separation minus the pain.

And I have failed to see

These dreams, they haunt me back

Foresight is a necessity. Don’t do things you know are going to be consequential for you in the near future. They are going to haunt you forever.

Praise fate

I’m coming home

Welcome back, JM!

*Song “Take No” by Hale

This week has been awfully hard for me. How hard? Let me spell S-U-I-C-I-D-E for you so you’d know how hard it is. But you know what? I made it through (well, almost… but we’re getting there.)

When the heavens put this burden on me, I told myself that I should be the one to take care of it, since I was the one who did it anyway. But no, sometimes when we feel like we’re entirely responsible for something, we should always get help from somebody. Hey, we’re only humans, we’re not like superman.

To all the people who helped me get through…

To Ate Tin, the first person I confided my problem with, thanks for listening to my nonsense and what-nots, and thanks for reassuring me that you’ll always be there for me at the end of the road. I’ll be there for you too, remember that.

To Mico, who assured me that everything is going to be okay. Bro, salamat kasi you accepted me as I am, kahit na hindi naman ganun ka-intimate yung pagkakaibigan natin. Hayaan mo, as time goes by, Jess will make a way. Pero kasi nung third year… wahehehe joke lang…

To Khen, grabe ngayon lang tayo nagkaganito, and I’m so glad we’re like this now. Dati napaka-babaw slash superficial ng pagkakakilanlan natin, ngayon super lalim na siguro. Salamat sa pakikinig and for sharing a part of your life to me too… Thanks din for seeing me as I am… as what I really am…

To Fr Mon, salamat po for the advices. Salamat din po kasi you were my Jess here on earth. I want to thank you for your very existence!

And last but definitely not the least (in height?), Ma’am Ria, salamaaaaattt. Gusto po kitang yakapin, pero hindi ko nagawa. Maybe in other days. Mam, salamat kasi naintindihan nyo ‘ko. Salamat for letting me see the bigger picture as what it really is. Salamat sa pagpapahalaga sa’kin, grabe hindi ko po kayo makakalimutan salamat po talaga. I’ll never forget what you said, “Ginagawa ko to kasi importante ka sa akin!” Wow… ngayon lang ako nakaramdam ng ganung impact napaiyak pa nga ako sa banyo pagkatapos. Haaayyy… Ma’am, you were one of the people who really helped me get through with this… hinding hindi ko po kayo makakalimutan for the rest of my one and only life!!! I love you maaaaaaammmmm!!!

To all of these people, thanks… because when everything else failed in my life, you were there, brave to see right through me. Thanks because if not for all of you, I would still be standing here, stranded on the same ground.


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