I kept quiet most of the time. No reactions whatsoever. It’s not because I can’t relate. It’s not because I don’t care, either. I totally can relate and I honestly care about the matter. What started out as simple chismisan has gone way out of hand and became a big issue, an issue of sulutan, iyakan, kalungkutan, agawan, awayan and the ever-so-popular, shattered dreams.
Warning: what you are about to read are mere opinions and feelings from the author. Names may be mentioned. Insights may be crushed. Dreams may be shattered. People may get insulted or engraged. I don’t care. If you are one of the CaraBarbe people, I suggest not to read the following text. Don’t tell me I didn’t warn you. There’s always the tagboard or the comment box to react up on. I don’t care about them anyway, so spill them out like what I’m gonna do in the next paragraphs.
It wasn’t good that I was keeping it to myself, so now I’m emptying my heart and mind of different opinions, insights and thoughts about the whole matter. I realized that if I continue to suppress this, I would erupt from the pressure it is creating inside of me. It’s not good that I’m keeping my feelings for myself, so now I’m gonna blurt it all out, straightforwardly, whole-heartedly, brutally frankly, and honestly.
It started way back September 6, when our class had an interaction with the girls of IV-Barbe from St. Paul University, QC. I wasn’t excited nor thrilled about the event, having had none of anything like those in the past few years of my HS, I didn’t know what to expect. What others feel as exciting or thrilling came to me as heart palpitations. I haven’t had face-to-face, skin-to-skin, eye-to-eye contact with girls ever since my co-ed days. I was the last one you’d expect to get thrilled about this event.
The event went fine. I met new people, new friends, and, most especially, new people to add to my friendster. Actually, during the event, I performed a song [with Jerome] which didn’t turn out quite right [because I was with Jerome], and added to that feeling of unaccomplishment and unfulfillment. Not to be rude or anything, but add to that my not-so-interesting partner. Not in the physical sense, but in the “sense” sense. Am I making any sense?
When we went back to our school, I sang my heart out. Out of frustration from that song I performed [Sway]. Out of frustration from my partner. Out of frustration from the being bitin of the activity. I was frustrated. I couldn’t be anything more than sad. So I just went on with my usual toodling and classes, getting over the sheer sadness that just happened. I wore my mask again.
I considered that day as a “normal” and “usual” day for me. Well, not for my classmates. It was a blasted day for them. New femmes, new prospects, new girlfriends? I couldn’t care less.
Days later, aftershocks were felt. Still, I couldn’t care less.
And still, days later, I learned of how this event “infested” my barkada. We weren’t the same as before. The usual talks about PS2, YM, blogs, layouts, HTML, Flash, MP3s, our teachers and what-nots suddenly turned out to be a swarm of talks about girls, YM, cel numbers and whatever. I didn’t mind. It was an obvious and expected effect after an interaction. It was expected, but never wanted.
Soon enough, it got to the core of our barkadahan. I never thought it would happen but it did. I was trying my best to shy it off but it still penetrated deep within. It came as an unexpected roar of thunder, mighty, and can’t be battled. Soon, priorities were then shuffled. Thoughts were bewildered with fantasies [which got me enraged, but that's another issue to be discussed]. Attitudes and moods were changed. Schedules were ruined. Studies were ruined. LIVES WERE RUINED. The usual saturday morning til night tambay got replaced by the Saturday gimmicks with the girls. The usual YM confe about practically anything was replaced by a confe room filled with girls [but still talking about practically anything]. The usual and enthusiastic friend suddenly turned out to be a moody and aggressive one. The usual student who gets high grades suddenly receive flunking grades in the quizzes. The focus was gone. The relationship was gone. The bonding was gone. Will the friendship also be gone?
Maybe you’re thinking that I’m envious of you because you’re love teams or items with these girls. Well, a slap-you-in-the-face, I’m not. What I am is grieving, longing, missing… being nostalgic. Nostalgic about the days when I’d get up my bed and think of my friends, and smile because I know they think about me too. Nostalgic about the days when I’d talk to my friends and smile, because I know they are listening to what I’m saying. Nostalgic about the days when we’d go out to the malls to spend a nice Saturday afternoon and smile, because I know our bonding is getting stronger each time we do so. But now, all I can do is frown. It’s sad that even though we haven’t parted ways and we literally see each other everyday, I’m already missing my friends. What more if we have? But then again, I could always wear my mask…
It’s hard for me to get caught between a conversation with my friends about these things. Sometimes, they won’t tell me the facts or the details of the story, either they want to keep it a secret or they’re thinking that I won’t understand because I don’t belong inside the whole “CaraBarbe” sphere. I’m left with digging the clues, pleading for them to drop details, or most of the time, just blank. Suddenly, I became untrustworthy. Or maybe I’m just the only one thinking or feeling that I am. I don’t know, you tell me.
What is the whole point of this, anyway? Well I just want to blurt out all my feelings about the matter. Honestly, I miss my friends. I miss talking with/to them, I miss calling them on the phone, I miss chatting with them on YM, I miss spending time with them. You might think of me as selfish for not considering the fact that my friends have lovelives, too. It’s not that. I just don’t want to see my friends crying, being sad, being angry or losing their sense of direction just because the ones they love leaves them, hates them or doesn’t talk to them. I’m not their parents but still I want to rid them of heartaches, broken hearts and shattered dreams. You might be thinking how I’m able to talk about these things. Well, to tell you the truth, I’ve experienced them already, that’s why I’ve been pretty elusive of falling in love again. I don’t wanna hurt no more. Plus, I’ve studies to study, friends to be-friend, family to love and a life to live. I might be blatantly frank or you think I may be stupid or insane, but my heart has no room for special relationship for the meantime.
I apologize if I’ve hurt anybody through these things I’ve just written. I’m sorry if suddenly, I made you think. It’s okay if for this you may hate me, despise me or avoid me. I’m taking any consequences for this action, may it be wrong or right, God only knows. There’s a comment box and a tagboard here for you to pour out your violent reactions. I am gladly taking them in, no regrets, no frustrations, no hard feelings whatsoever. You deserve the right to bash me, insult me or annoy me. As I’ve said, I’m taking any consequences for my actions. But then again, after all this, I could always wear my mask…
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not mad with the girls from Tipol. I’m just saddened by what is happening with my classmates, my friends, my barkada…
I miss my friends. Give them back to me.