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Archive for October, 2004

This is supposed to be a hate-blog. Well, somebody told me not to post what I’m about to post. It’s full of hatred, about SOME FRIENDSTER PROFILE I JUST READ.

I won’t stoop down to their level. And besides, unlike them, I’ve learned something from the retreat.

*expletive deleted*

Kuya Jess, salamat po kina By, Paolo at Lorenz. Sila po ang karamay ko during this trying time. Now I know I still have my friends with me! ^_^ Thanks po!!!

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You know one of the things I hate most in the world? The people who don’t practice what they preach. They are just soooo hypocritic! They tell people what to do but they themselves don’t do what they want other people to do. It’s the wrongest of the wrong way of preaching.

Well, it’s another issue with my dad. And my computer. I kinda wished that the Dial-Up Account we presently have would expire so that he won’t be able to use the computer. Well, my wish was semi-commanded, though in a different manner. Our phone line got disconnected. Yay, no more dad in the computer! And no reason for me to use the computer, too. Great.

It’s something he always says that makes me cringe and can almost make me break a metal spoon. Well, it goes like this: Whenever I’d be using the computer for a long time, he’d give me litany after litany on how I use power and phone line so much that if only the computer were alive, it’d curse and swear me to eternity. He’s always sermoning me to cut down on my use of the computer, so that he’d have more time to use it, as he’s venturing on a “job” online. He said it’s much more important than my tinkering with codes and playing games online. His alleged “job” online? A website with gazillions of advertisements on it, where in he’ll charge anybody who would be placing an ad on his website. What the???

If only I could conjure up enough guts to tell him that that is the stupidest e-commerce idea I’ve ever heard EVER. People aren’t dumb to pay him cash just to post ads on his website WHOM HE HASN’t EVEN STARTED YET and WHOM HE HASN’t EVEN LEARNED HOW TO DO YET and WHOM HAS NO CONTENT UP YET. What he’s doing online is search and search and search after search for sites who “might help” him in this e-commerce of his. Urrrrrgggghhhh… If he wants money, he should use Google Adsense!

Sheesh… I curse the day I ever taught him how to use dial-up connection…

Well, if they don’t want any cussing or cursing or whining from me, they should get me a computer for myself… ALL FOR MYSELF!!! Gawrd… if only I have Php20,000, I’d conjure up Dio and other “Hardware-Frenzy” friends and I’d ask for their help to set up my OWN COMPUTER. So I won’t have to share with ANYONE ANYMORE.

Or a laptop will do good.

Anyone wanna lend me a Php20,000? Or a laptop? I’m not kidding here. Do I look like I’m kidding??!!! I’m not smiling!!! :

God I’m sorry for ranting again… I just can’t help it… I’m so… so… IRRITATED!!!

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Okay, before I start any blabbering, reacting or ranting [if ever there'd be any] around here, let me tell you about my current state right now. I’m officially don’t have any connection to the outside world inside our house except the door and the windows. Wanna bet why? Well, it’s just the WORST CASE SCENARIO, worse than having the PC broken! Guessed it? Well, the phone line got temporarily disconnected [as the cute lady voice would say when you listen to the receiver]. Yep, major bummer. This has got to be the best semestral break ever. Life…

Okay honestly, I haven’t had the urge to go net-cafe-ing, since I’m actually allergic to people staring at my PC whenever I type something [like right now, where a nosey little gal is "eavesdropping" on my blog]. Well, due to unavoidable circumstances, I suddenly had the drive to go net-cafe-ing. I had to do something.

Life is pretty boring at home. All I practically do everyday is wake up, eat, watch TV, eat, sleep, eat, watch TV, eat, watch TV, sleep. It’s a never-ending cycle. I’m telling you, and my parents would agree with me on this, I’m better off in school than at home. I pretty much slack off 90% of the time [the other 10% is devoted to productive activities, like walking, taking a bath, and brushing my teeth. hehe.]. I love it, but I hate it at the same time. I love slacking off, but not to the extent that i become a SLOTH!!! Hahaha… I don’t wanna be a sloth…

Well, anyways, I called up my kada a while ago, just to catch up on some news, and pretty much to tell them what happened on why I don’t go online anymore. I talked to Lorenz, he told me my latest blog entry was a “crowd-attract-or” or something to that effect, can’t remember (the effects of slacking off). So I pretty much produced a smile on my face, knowing that somehow people are pretty much moved by my action. So I decided I must check out what’s happening, so here I am net-cafe-ing. Well, here are my reactions:

First off, who in tarnation is “hai hai”? Even though Friend3 (who I can pretty much identify, but hasn’t yet) left some clues, I still don’t know who he/she is. Plus I remember only creating 2 entities with Friend prefixes (Friend1 & Friend2), so I also have no idea who Friend3 is. Well, anyway, as to what hai hai posted:

JM, masasabi ko lng, if you are a true friend sa mga taong tinutukoy mo why do you have to wear a mask?

Well it’s pretty much the same game in our barkada, not only me (don’t deny this, guys!). The only one who’s been most open about personal things in our barkada is me. Whenever I’d ask them what their problem is, they won’t tell me. When I DO have a problem, I’d be the first one to tell them what it is, even before they can ask what the problem is. So why wear masks? Well, in this world, you pretty much don’t know if people trust you or which people to trust anymore. These so-called masks are protection, not in the sense of kaplastikan, but a “sensitivity device” to shy off any emotions that might affect my friends. Once or twice only have I worn masks, and that is because I don’t want to affect the overall mood of my barkada. It’s for their sake, too, and I only wear my masks when I’m in a trying situation. Besides, I’m more open to them than an open manhole open to the open-minded open world. Got it? Good.

alam mo wala namang masama na magblog ka ng ganyan, your just being expressive right? pero ang masama hindi lahat ng nakakabasa nyan specially “no holds barred” ay nakakaintindi sa situation mo.

First off, I’ll ask you what drew you to this site. If from YM, then that means you’re my friend. If that’s so, then that means you pretty much can relate to all the blabber I’m talking about. If from the web, well, all blogs are like this. You pretty much can’t relate until you read all the entries or get to know the author. Plus, I’ve presented a pre-synopsis of what the article is about, so I don’t see any reason why you pretty much can’t relate (well, except for the people I mentioned). Sorry then if you can’t relate! I didn’t post that blog to be empathized upon. Besides, it’s meant for those who really can relate to it… so I guess that’s settled.

Friend3: i’ve left an evidence na… ayan pa isa. JM, don’t make ambala. we’re still here. i’m here. okee? [another evidence]read your blog… i kind of got guilty when you blogged “losing focus.” gets ko JM. I know how it feels like. parang kilala ko itong hai hai a.

The “Im here” part is quite a consolation. Just wanna know… who’s there? It’s more of a consolation if I get to know your name. Any ways, thanks for the sympathy, and am glad I’ve broken your nutshell (as Lorenz puts it).

Khen: jm.. i read ur blog… hmm… uve got a point… pero dapat confide mo sa amin na ganun na pala feel mo… para nalaman nmn and understand ka… Ãœ basta d2 lng me sa tabi mo and i bet cla din…

Well just as I’ve said, I don’t know who to confide anymore. Besides, people nowadays are so volatile, so I’m getting pretty sensitive on what I’m to blurt out. I don’t wanna add up to somebody’s fury. Besides, I would have opened up to somebody if I’ve seen an open door, a listening ear, waiting to hear my thoughts. In this net world, my blog is my closest companion whom I can breathe my inmost thoughts to.

a nice friend: nice blog but dont u care to investigate more about that situation, try not to close your mind….

Ei, appreciate your comment. Your latter statement though is confusing. Don’t investigate but don’t close my mind… errr… kay…

koala_beAr!!: your friends aren’t going anywhere JM! they’ll be here aaaall the way! ^_^ [and if you want, i'll stir it with a twig... ha?]

Ei… yep I know. Sometimes we really have to renew our commitment to this friendship.

arlo…: sana ung natutunan natin nung retreat ay gawin natin…. sana lng… eto ay isang “sana” uhm,diba nga sabi natin nung retreat magiging sensitive tau… pero jm panu cla magaact kung di mo rin sinasabi dba??? haha pero talaga lng stig ung blog mo ,marami nga ngyari, marami nasaktan,hmmm masasabi ko lng,ung ibang tao dyan sana maging more sensitive,tama ba? uhm,wag puro laro..??? tama ba rin? JM tama ka,hmm,la akong masabi hahaha kasi ewan ko,hai naiintindihan kita,uhm cguro di ka nakakalimutan ng mga un,excited lng cguro,

Ei… kaw na yata ang pinakanatamaan sa mga sinabi ko… well, lahat din ng sinabi mo tama… at sana lahat ng makakabasa ng sinabi mo matauhan din… ^_^

Those are really nothing. Hope nobody now would get offended with my comments. Just trying to react violently (but logically). The comments are really nice, and I hope this would serve as a wake-up-call to all those who have been sleeping under the rock. My intention on posting that was not to draw people to this blog, but to point out what I feel to all those whom I feel are losing their sense of direction. I’m glad they all reacted positively. And honestly, (slightly begging here), it would be more helpful if people would post comments and not be too shy to reveal their names. It’s more consoling, really. Promise I won’t get mad…! Whatever the heck your comments are, post them with your name. That’s one thing I hate to live with in this blog world.

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I kept quiet most of the time. No reactions whatsoever. It’s not because I can’t relate. It’s not because I don’t care, either. I totally can relate and I honestly care about the matter. What started out as simple chismisan has gone way out of hand and became a big issue, an issue of sulutan, iyakan, kalungkutan, agawan, awayan and the ever-so-popular, shattered dreams.

Warning: what you are about to read are mere opinions and feelings from the author. Names may be mentioned. Insights may be crushed. Dreams may be shattered. People may get insulted or engraged. I don’t care. If you are one of the CaraBarbe people, I suggest not to read the following text. Don’t tell me I didn’t warn you. There’s always the tagboard or the comment box to react up on. I don’t care about them anyway, so spill them out like what I’m gonna do in the next paragraphs.

It wasn’t good that I was keeping it to myself, so now I’m emptying my heart and mind of different opinions, insights and thoughts about the whole matter. I realized that if I continue to suppress this, I would erupt from the pressure it is creating inside of me. It’s not good that I’m keeping my feelings for myself, so now I’m gonna blurt it all out, straightforwardly, whole-heartedly, brutally frankly, and honestly.

It started way back September 6, when our class had an interaction with the girls of IV-Barbe from St. Paul University, QC. I wasn’t excited nor thrilled about the event, having had none of anything like those in the past few years of my HS, I didn’t know what to expect. What others feel as exciting or thrilling came to me as heart palpitations. I haven’t had face-to-face, skin-to-skin, eye-to-eye contact with girls ever since my co-ed days. I was the last one you’d expect to get thrilled about this event.

The event went fine. I met new people, new friends, and, most especially, new people to add to my friendster. Actually, during the event, I performed a song [with Jerome] which didn’t turn out quite right [because I was with Jerome], and added to that feeling of unaccomplishment and unfulfillment. Not to be rude or anything, but add to that my not-so-interesting partner. Not in the physical sense, but in the “sense” sense. Am I making any sense?

When we went back to our school, I sang my heart out. Out of frustration from that song I performed [Sway]. Out of frustration from my partner. Out of frustration from the being bitin of the activity. I was frustrated. I couldn’t be anything more than sad. So I just went on with my usual toodling and classes, getting over the sheer sadness that just happened. I wore my mask again.

I considered that day as a “normal” and “usual” day for me. Well, not for my classmates. It was a blasted day for them. New femmes, new prospects, new girlfriends? I couldn’t care less.

Days later, aftershocks were felt. Still, I couldn’t care less.

And still, days later, I learned of how this event “infested” my barkada. We weren’t the same as before. The usual talks about PS2, YM, blogs, layouts, HTML, Flash, MP3s, our teachers and what-nots suddenly turned out to be a swarm of talks about girls, YM, cel numbers and whatever. I didn’t mind. It was an obvious and expected effect after an interaction. It was expected, but never wanted.

Soon enough, it got to the core of our barkadahan. I never thought it would happen but it did. I was trying my best to shy it off but it still penetrated deep within. It came as an unexpected roar of thunder, mighty, and can’t be battled. Soon, priorities were then shuffled. Thoughts were bewildered with fantasies [which got me enraged, but that's another issue to be discussed]. Attitudes and moods were changed. Schedules were ruined. Studies were ruined. LIVES WERE RUINED. The usual saturday morning til night tambay got replaced by the Saturday gimmicks with the girls. The usual YM confe about practically anything was replaced by a confe room filled with girls [but still talking about practically anything]. The usual and enthusiastic friend suddenly turned out to be a moody and aggressive one. The usual student who gets high grades suddenly receive flunking grades in the quizzes. The focus was gone. The relationship was gone. The bonding was gone. Will the friendship also be gone?

Maybe you’re thinking that I’m envious of you because you’re love teams or items with these girls. Well, a slap-you-in-the-face, I’m not. What I am is grieving, longing, missing… being nostalgic. Nostalgic about the days when I’d get up my bed and think of my friends, and smile because I know they think about me too. Nostalgic about the days when I’d talk to my friends and smile, because I know they are listening to what I’m saying. Nostalgic about the days when we’d go out to the malls to spend a nice Saturday afternoon and smile, because I know our bonding is getting stronger each time we do so. But now, all I can do is frown. It’s sad that even though we haven’t parted ways and we literally see each other everyday, I’m already missing my friends. What more if we have? But then again, I could always wear my mask…

It’s hard for me to get caught between a conversation with my friends about these things. Sometimes, they won’t tell me the facts or the details of the story, either they want to keep it a secret or they’re thinking that I won’t understand because I don’t belong inside the whole “CaraBarbe” sphere. I’m left with digging the clues, pleading for them to drop details, or most of the time, just blank. Suddenly, I became untrustworthy. Or maybe I’m just the only one thinking or feeling that I am. I don’t know, you tell me.

What is the whole point of this, anyway? Well I just want to blurt out all my feelings about the matter. Honestly, I miss my friends. I miss talking with/to them, I miss calling them on the phone, I miss chatting with them on YM, I miss spending time with them. You might think of me as selfish for not considering the fact that my friends have lovelives, too. It’s not that. I just don’t want to see my friends crying, being sad, being angry or losing their sense of direction just because the ones they love leaves them, hates them or doesn’t talk to them. I’m not their parents but still I want to rid them of heartaches, broken hearts and shattered dreams. You might be thinking how I’m able to talk about these things. Well, to tell you the truth, I’ve experienced them already, that’s why I’ve been pretty elusive of falling in love again. I don’t wanna hurt no more. Plus, I’ve studies to study, friends to be-friend, family to love and a life to live. I might be blatantly frank or you think I may be stupid or insane, but my heart has no room for special relationship for the meantime.

I apologize if I’ve hurt anybody through these things I’ve just written. I’m sorry if suddenly, I made you think. It’s okay if for this you may hate me, despise me or avoid me. I’m taking any consequences for this action, may it be wrong or right, God only knows. There’s a comment box and a tagboard here for you to pour out your violent reactions. I am gladly taking them in, no regrets, no frustrations, no hard feelings whatsoever. You deserve the right to bash me, insult me or annoy me. As I’ve said, I’m taking any consequences for my actions. But then again, after all this, I could always wear my mask…

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not mad with the girls from Tipol. I’m just saddened by what is happening with my classmates, my friends, my barkada…

I miss my friends. Give them back to me.

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It’s crazy. My host is down again as of the moment. When will they ever reach an ever-stable week without any downtimes or bugs or whatever. Come Christmas (or whence I start producing money on my own), I’ll buy a domain and a webspace already! All this unreliable-free-hosting-business is getting on my last nerves already, and honestly I soon want OUT!

Why rant? Well, I was about to edit my WordPress Template, as I’ve found out a great resource on how to customize it, when suddenly I received a ‘Cannot Find Server’ when I typed my URL. Dang it, whenever inspiration strikes, nothing to work on. Whenever there’s tons to work on, inspiration doesn’t strike. When will they meet in the middle?

I blog-hopped instead.

Sem Break kasi. Pagpasensyahan na kung bored ako.

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I’ve not been updating this site because I’ve been updating my other blog (the soon-to-be-released one). Well, you can visit it but it’s not yet fully-operational, but you can read the posts already! BTW, the new blog runs on WordPress nah! Weeepeee!

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I accidentally did one stupid thing that led to another while editing my template last night which had me changing it a couple of times. I couldn’t find any template I’m comfortable with, but this one’s quite appealing so I’m keeping it for the moment.

So, here’s some progress (will I still call it progress) with my host:

Iconrate has a new owner, and his name is Latic. He’s actually quite better than the previous owner, since he’s online most of the time for Tech Support or anything that concerns the hosting (well, Icon’s situation is understandable, since he still has a college and a life to attend to). This guy’s holding it big for Iconrate, very generous lad!

The day before yesterday, they were trying to transfer files from the old server to the new server. Unfortunately, some of the files are getting corrupted and might endanger the new server. So, they told users to download files from the old server and transfer them to the new server. But before transferring them to the new server, users have to wait in queue for their account to get re-setup.

I just received an email informing me that my account has been re-setup on the new server. Jollies! Time to upload the backup file (which is in Lorenz’s PC!). Unfortunately, Iconrate.net is down again.

Tell me, is it time to look for a new host? Care to recommend me some?

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Iba pa rin talaga kapag tag-board ang gamit mo at hindi comments.

Ang blog ko eh hindi blog pag walang tagboard.

Post nah! ü

[Pasingit] I’ll post pics of our retreat maybe tomorrow. Not finished with the caption yet, no host to upload it to. Saya.

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I don’t know if it’s just me, but did an earthquake just pass by? I suddenly felt nauseous or something, and saw that my computer’s visor is swaying a bit… I wanted to wake up my dad, but it was not too much of an incident for me to panic. It lasted for about 15 seconds… If it’s a true earthquake, then it’d be my first time to experience one! If it’s not, well then, maybe it just wants to tell me to go to sleep already!

Better watch the news tomorrow morning… ü

[EDIT] Confirmed. It’s an earthquake. Jerome, Nica, Mico and Jav felt it. Apparently it was caused by Javerri’s dancing. Joke. How Ironic! Ang saya ng feeling, first time kasi!

[Edit muli!] Mabilis kumalat ang balita. Buong Luzon pala! At intensity 4 dito!

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Not sure about the authenticity of this information but I heard somewhere that Google was terminated by Yahoo etc., etc., a few months back and hired a new searching service.

Now, with google standing on its own, it’s back for revenge. Over the past few months, it has released many web developments that cater every, and I mean every, web surfer’s needs.

Aside from the basic click-of-a-button search engine, here are some of Google’s recently, not-so-recently, and will-be-launched services:

    • Blogger. Google has acquired ownership of one of the fastest-growing blogging community on the web.
    • Google Toolbar. An integrated browser toolbar that incorporates some of Google’s services into an easy-to-reach residence.
    • Google News. Read news here and around the world!
    • GMail. Google’s one-gig mail wonder. Offers one gigabyte of mail space so users won’t have to delete mail anymore. Search, don’t sort!
    • Google SMS. Lets you access Google Features, primarily the search engine, using your mobile phone.
    • Google Groups. Similar to Yahoo’s Yahoo! Groups.
    • Froogle. A search engine designed to look for products on the web.
    • and many others.

What I’m looking forward into seeing is the GChat (rumour or not, who cares?!), Google’s very own IM service. Google now also has its “network”, which enables users to login only once and access all Login-Required Google Features. I’m also crossing my fingers on GSites, google’s version of Geocities.

With such progress from Google, no wonder it could be the web’s next best thing to outdo Yahoo!. Yahoo! is just too congested right now that users are looking for a newer, fresher service. And it’s Google.

I wanna work for Google.

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